I've been putting off writing this blog for obvious reasons. I'm frightened. My health is deteriorating so rapidly and I feel confused and scared. I don't know what is going to happen to me. I'm grieving the loss of my health, but as it declines I feel I am lost in more grief as I fall down a bottomless pit. The pit is dark and there is nowhere to hold on. When I do find a place to hold on it hurts too bad to do so, so I continue free falling. I'm tired of people telling me "it will get better," when I don't know that that is at all true. I know that some days are better than others, but will it ever "get better?"
Three days ago something very scary happened. I couldn't put any weight on my right foot without my ankle slipping out of the joint. I can't get it back in by myself, so I had to lie in bed and have Jim jerk as hard as he could on my foot until we both heard and felt a snap and then the bones moving into the joint. The reason that scared me so bad is I was (and still am) afraid that may be the first step in many to being wheelchair bound.
I think that day Jim finally got it that things may not get better and a wheelchair is possible in my future. I asked him if I end up in a wheelchair if we could make the chair pretty. He promised me I'd have the prettiest chair in the world.
I have to admit that lately things like traditional wheelchair vs. a scooter and ramps have been in my mind. I try not to think of them too much, but I still do think of them some.
I don't know where I'm going but I'm afraid I'm getting there too fast.
My Journey With:
Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness Seizures (Complex Partial Seizures) ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar I Rapid Cycling With Psychosis ~ Migraines ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (My OCD is currently in remission except for hoarding) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Non-suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI or SI) ~ Painful Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (Autoimmune Hypothyroidism) ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Multiple Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches