Yesterday was an okay day I guess. I've been kinda depressed lately, so I haven't really been blogging or much of anything. I have gotten some pen pals written and have started practicing my breathing deeper and and some meditation again. Everything is sort of grayish to me, it's not exciting and great but it isn't horrible either. It's like wandering the Earth after everyone else is dead; all the buildings remaining are shrouded in a thick gray mist. I can sense danger lurking off the street that I walk. I want so bad to stop walking this street, I just want to stop, to run away from the pain and the fog that seems to fill my head. I want to collapse and sleep a long, long time, without pain and without nightmares but I can't. I have to keep walking this street, looking for reasons to stop but not able to leave the path that leads into darkness. I can almost make out the screams in the distance, where the end of the road is a bottomless pit of pain; it's so dark there I wouldn't be able to see my fingers in front of my face. I can feel the hot stale air in my face, my body contorting in every kind of pain as I fall deeper and deeper. I can feel myself walking toward this place almost as if carried by a conveyor belt straight to my own personal hell. I want to stop this journey, I know the end and I know the feeling of insanity's grip but I can't stop it. I take my medicine, rarely missing a dose, but sometimes late. I go to therapy. I go to my shrink. Can't they see? Don't they listen? Can't they help? I've told them, my survival has rode on the fact that I can fake being happy for years at a time. It is hard for me to let down my guard with anyone except Jim. When I'm saying that I'm depressed I deserved to be listened to, whether I'm crying or smiling. I couldn't work the whole time during my last therapy session because during the last 15 minutes I was having a seizure and recovering from that seizure. The stress is overwhelming. It is stifling, I can barely breathe under the weight of it. Any expectations beyond to make it through the day are crushing, because I can't make it through the day. How do I stop this? Of all the medical conditions I have, the abusive I've suffered, some of that abuse at the hands of males, and of all the times I cannot count on my own body, the one thing I can, the one thing I want to always be able to count on, is my mind. When I can no longer count on my mind to be there...there is no me. I don't want to get that far again...yet the conveyor belt carries me steadily forward. Is there a reason to fight it? I can't seem to get away. I'm scared.
My Journey With:
Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness Seizures (Complex Partial Seizures) ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar I Rapid Cycling With Psychosis ~ Migraines ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (My OCD is currently in remission except for hoarding) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Non-suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI or SI) ~ Painful Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (Autoimmune Hypothyroidism) ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Multiple Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches