My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Nonsuicidal Self-Injury (Self-Harm) ~ Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A Rare Glimpse Into My Innermost Thoughts

Yesterday was an okay day I guess.  I've been kinda depressed lately, so I haven't really been blogging or much of anything.  I have gotten some pen pals written and have started practicing my breathing deeper and and some meditation again.  Everything is sort of grayish to me, it's not exciting and great but it isn't horrible either.  It's like wandering the Earth after everyone else is dead; all the buildings remaining are shrouded in a thick gray mist.  I can sense danger lurking off the street that I walk.  I want so bad to stop walking this street, I just want to stop, to run away from the pain and the fog that seems to fill my head.  I want to collapse and sleep a long, long time, without pain and without nightmares but I can't.  I have to keep walking this street, looking for reasons to stop but not able to leave the path that leads into darkness.  I can almost make out the screams in the distance, where the end of the road is a bottomless pit of pain; it's so dark there I wouldn't be able to see my fingers in front of my face.  I can feel the hot stale air in my face, my body contorting in every kind of pain as I fall deeper and deeper.  I can feel myself walking toward this place almost as if carried by a conveyor belt straight to my own personal hell.  I want to stop this journey, I know the end and I know the feeling of insanity's grip but I can't stop it.  I take my medicine, rarely missing a dose, but sometimes late.  I go to therapy.  I go to my shrink.  Can't they see?  Don't they listen?  Can't they help?  I've told them, my survival has rode on the fact that I can fake being happy for years at a time.  It is hard for me to let down my guard with anyone except Jim.  When I'm saying that I'm depressed I deserved to be listened to, whether I'm crying or smiling.  I couldn't work the whole time during my last therapy session because during the last 15 minutes I was having a seizure and recovering from that seizure.  The stress is overwhelming.  It is stifling, I can barely breathe under the weight of it.  Any expectations beyond to make it through the day are crushing, because I can't make it through the day.  How do I stop this?  Of all the medical conditions I have, the abusive I've suffered, some of that abuse at the hands of males, and of all the times I cannot count on my own body, the one thing I can, the one thing I want to always be able to count on, is my mind.  When I can no longer count on my mind to be there...there is no me.  I don't want to get that far again...yet the conveyor belt carries me steadily forward.  Is there a reason to fight it?  I can't seem to get away.  I'm scared.


  1. I am listening. You are not alone. I do understand to a large degree what you are saying. I have similar issues.

    While letting your guard down does not feel safe, it is unfortunately the road to healing the emotional part of who you are.

    You need better help than you are getting from your therapist. Have you ever gone to a pain management clinic.. (I can't recall what they are called specifically.) You may find some relief going through one though.

    I know of two. I am sure there is one nearer to you. UNMC and Mayo both offer one in the Midwest. I am praying for you. If you need help finding one, I can call one of my Dr.'s who specializes in this area.

    I am concerned about you.

    Hugs and Blessings,

  2. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble. It's true, if you tell your therapist/shrink that your depression is getting worse than I really think they should be responsive. There may not be much they can actually do but it would really be nice if they acknowledged you in some way.

    The conveyor belt is a good analogy. While some professional would probably say it's disempowering that doesn't change how it really feels. I can do all the self-care I've learned to do and any other interventions that have ever helped my mood and sometimes I can still feel it staying just as bad or getting worse no matter what.

    You've been very honest in this post. Perhaps you could share it with your therapist or shrink. I don't know them or your relationship with them so I don't know if it's possible or if it would help.

    I can so relate to wanting to be able to count on my mind. Unfortunately, I am coming to realize that my memory is unreliable and so is my perspective on the majority of things. My mind is me and I can't trust it. I can't trust myself. I feel sad and scared almost constantly. There are reasons but at this point they're not concrete external reason most of the time. I don't know how to help myself so I'm not sure what I can say to you.

    The only thing that has ever really helped my depression has been treating my obstructive sleep apnea. A sleep study can be a good thing for anyone with fibromyalgia.

    I'm glad you have Jim. Please try to take care of yourself. I know it isn't always easy, if ever.


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