My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness Seizures (Complex Partial Seizures) ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I ~ Migraines ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Non-suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI or SI) ~ Painful Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (Autoimmune Hypothyroidism) ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Multiple Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Pushing everyone away

Lately I've been pushing everyone away from me.  I've been doing this for quite some time, because the time we had squatters in our house that wouldn't leavejh Ilwas always in severe pain.  I never got angry, and I always expected the best from Ieople until they proved me wrong.  Our squatters fucked me up.  I hate them very, very much.   I'm angry all the time and I have to force myself to think positively, when it used to come naturally.  I don't like being this person, I hate being this person.  I want to be who I was before they came, but you can't go backwards, you can only move forwards.  Don't leave a comment about forgiving them, because I never, ever, ever  will.

I need to purposely change this, and I think that socializing online will really help with that. My social anxiety doesn't cause anything except phones anxiety, these days.  I had found a great group of women online that I used to be part of, it was a group for [my religious path] headcovering.  However, since I am not involved in that practice anymore, and I only was for a short time, I don't have a spiritual group anymore. I can't leave the house often, so I can't go to any spiritual gatherings in person.  So, I'm looking for a spiritual group that "fits."
I want to make friends to have FUN with! Even if it is online, because I'm pretty much housebound.

I want to get active in two or three of my EDS groups again, too.  Not only does it help me stay up to date on what's going on with EDS research, who died, etc., but I have a lot of EDSer friends that I have ignored for a few months now.  I hope, after my long disappearance, they still want to be my friend.  One of the hardest things about having EDS friends is saying good-bye to them when they die young and unexpectedly.  Fortunately, so far, I've only known people in passing that have passed away.  I don't know how I'll handle it when someone I'm close to passes away from EDS, or a POTS related conditions.

A great website for those interested in the fiber arts
I want to also get involved in a crocheting group.  I think Ravelry is a good place to start.  I joined a few groups on it last night, including: Gay Crochet, The GLBT Disabled Support NetworkCrochet on RavelryChronic Stitchers, Hippie Crocheters, One Skein Crochet, Beginning Crochet, Queer Revelry, The Spoonies.

I don't want all of my day or all of my friends to be focused on health only.  I don't want to make only friends who share health problems or live with disability, though I treasure the ones that I know and still want to make more disabled women.  However, I'd like friends to be many types of women.  (When I say "meet other women" I mean online only, in a platonic manner, and have no intention of meeting in person.)    I'd like to meet women who are following the same spiritual path,  are other crocheters, like crafting, have challenges they deal with, too,  love pen palling, are the partner of someone with epilepsy, collects postcards, is a cat lover, are learning Italian...

I also have wonderful pen pals.  They are from the following countries: United States, UK, Italy, Belgium, Germany, AustraliaCanada, Singapore, Peru, and Spain.  If I can ever get all my letter writing under control, meaning catch up with it on a regular basis, I'd like to get some pen pals from Western Europe, the Middle East, and Israel.  I'd also like to have more Australian and Italian pen pals.

Because all lesbians are Superwomen!
I'd also like to be part of an LGBT group who emphasizes self-identity, rather other people labeling you, like "You are ___ because you are with such and such." and "You are bisexual because you are with DH."  I'm sick to death of being told my orientation, so sick of it I don't even correct it anymore.   I'm a freaking lesbian!  L-E-S-B-I-A-N.  Somehow my soul mate in this reincarnation ended up in the body of man, for reasons unknown to me.  And I love him very, very much.  His soul is entwined with mine, and will be every reincarnation.  He is the only man I'm attracted to, while women in general are the only ones I'm attracted to.  Have I made my point?  Accept it...DH is all man, and I am all lesbian and, altogether with our kitties, we make a wonderful family.
Yummy!

Aww, DH just brought me a can of full Diet Mountain Dew after I finished my Pepsi Max (it's Diet Pepsi with huge amounts of caffeine).  Isn't that sweet?  I'm going to go indulge in caffeine now.  Have a nice day!

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