My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling With Psychotic Features ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Self-Harm ~ Bilateral Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Daily Headache ~ Eczema

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Poverty, pain, anxiety, and depression

Poverty & income inequality are huge problems in the USA
I haven't written much in awhile.  I've been depressed, with horrible anxiety, and a great increase in pain, especially burning muscles and feet, as well as allodynia pain.  For those who don't know, allodynia pain is when you feel pain from what should be a non-painful stimulus.  In my case my clothes, bed sheets, pillowcases, the couch, pretty much anything that touches my skin is excruciating, even my own hands in my lap.  This is how I describe my allodynia pain: it feels like someone has sandpapered my skin so hard it's bleeding, then pressed rough grit sandpaper into the bloody mess and left it there.  To add to that lovely mess, my abdomen has been hurting a lot from IBS, and both my pajama pants are so worn through they are covered in holes.  So I have to wear jeans or sweatpants, which are rougher against my skin and tighter across my painful belly.  I have three bras, all really stretched out and four years old, with two of them being very scratchy.  Somehow I'm supposed to find the money to buy new pajama pants, soft underwear, soft bras, and soft shirts.  I'm not sure how the hell I'll be able to afford that, especially at this time of year, and especially since my car is broken down yet again.  I still have to renew my car insurance and renew my license plates next month, as well as make a big payment to AARP, my Medicare Rx provider.  We really need to get a new (used) car, my car will be 21 years old in January, and it's falling apart much faster than we can fix it.  Repairs on it would cost at least four to six times the car's value.  DH needs new shoes and new jeans, he only has one pair, and they are tight in the waist.  Niki needs to go to the vet because she won't stop sneezing, and I haven't even begun to figure out what I want to get DH for Christmas or how the hell I'll be able to afford it.  We had to borrow money today to have food.  We have a tiny ham for tomorrow, Thanksgiving, as well as pumpkin pie mix, a pre-made crust, and I think we may even have some box stuffing, but I'm not sure on that.  I'm at my wit's end and have no idea how to pay for this all.

Vivid nightmares are common in people with bipolar & PTSD
I worked, and payed into the system before I got my disability.  Yet I get so little money each month in disability we can just barely afford enough to eat, and sometimes that means only one meal a day if we want to make our food stretch.  I feel really guilty if I eat very much, because I know that means later I may not have anything to eat.  Living in poverty is a very stressful life.

My depression from my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) sets in every year in November, with my first really bad days happening about two weeks before Thanksgiving every year.  I love Thanksgiving, but it is really hard for me to enjoy it when I'm so depressed.  With depression comes anxiety, which increases my pain levels even more.

Today I've been going back and forth between bed and the couch, trying to get comfortable but failing.  Last night I had the most vivid horrific, violent, sadistic dreams nightmares I've ever had in my life, and I've been having vivid terrifying and violent nightmares since I was seven.  I'm absolutely terrified to sleep tonight, and I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do about the nightmares and the lack of money.  I'm at a loss.


  1. Sorry you are having such a hard time. I am praying that God will help you find something to alleviate your pain and depression. God help you and yours.

  2. Sorry you are having such a hard time. I am praying that God will help you find something to alleviate your pain and depression. God help you and yours. You may have a look into heavy metal detoxification. Google it!


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