My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness Seizures (Complex Partial Seizures) ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar I Rapid Cycling With Psychosis ~ Migraines ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (My OCD is currently in remission except for hoarding) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Non-suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI or SI) ~ Painful Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (Autoimmune Hypothyroidism) ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Multiple Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

A Day in The Life: Bipolar Depression and Chronic Pain

As you may know, I've been dealing with a bipolar depressive episode lately. You can read about my recent struggles here and here. If you suspect you have bipolar disorder, you can take a screening quiz with resources here, or to learn more about bipolar, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) has a very informative fact sheet about bipolar here.

Me. Sorry about the picture quality
Me. Sorry about the picture quality
Yesterday I decided to write down everything I did, so my readers can get an understanding what  it's like to be disabled with both mental illness and chronic pain.My pain is a lot worse today than it was yesterday. Today I've cried twice already from pain, as my pinched nerve in my neck pain is back, and shooting pain down my right shoulder, arm, and thumb. I plan on going to the doctor for it soon, since it started the first week of December. The fatigue I'm experiencing is incredible, because of my POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome), and depression. I actually can't get off the couch to go to the bathroom, even talking is hard at times. Right now I'm using every bit of my strength to write this blog. I've been very open about my depression this time. I think it's really important that people with bipolar or depression know that they aren't alone, and others experience the same exact symptoms, even the really scary ones. I want those people to know that they are never alone in this fight. I'm also being so open about my depression because I want people who don't have a mood disorder to understand what monster we're fighting.

This is really hard for me to write, because I am opening up on very personal things, and I realize that some cruel people will think that it's just funny. I'm prepared for that. So, here goes:

7:30 am
     * Take first set of morning meds
     * Strip down and weigh myself, then put clothes back on
7:38 am
     * Back to sleep
12:22 pm
     * Wake up
     * Take second set of morning meds, but only the ones I can take on an empty stomach
     * Get dressed, brush hair, moisturize face
12:54 pm
     * Use my 10,000 lux lightbox, which is the best treatment for SAD
     * Color a little bit in my adult coloring book, but feeling too distracted to color much
1:29 pm
     * Cuddle under blankets on the couch, switching between my Kindle and very old laptop (it still runs Vista)
     * Very upset at the irrational fear that my top row of teeth were going to find out. I have panic attacks over this.
3:15 pm
     * Banana for a late breakfast
4:00 pm
     * Cry for 1st time today over bad memories and self-loathing
4:16 pm
     * Took remaining moring meds (the ones I have to take with food) because I forgot when I ate my banana
4:27 pm
     * Cry for the 2nd time today over sadness and dispare
4:56 pm
     * Cry for the 3rd time today over sadness and self-loathing
4:18 pm
     * Niki and I cuddle each other on the couch, dozing off, waking up, and dozing off again
6:20 pm
     * Stared of in space on the verge of tears until 7:35 pm. I have no memory of that time, my memory goes from Niki on my lap to watching The Office. The time in between that is lost.
7: 35 pm
     * Watching The Office and occasionally messing around on my computer
8:05 pm
     * Dinner (2 pieces whole wheat bread, 2 baked frozen crunchy fish fillets, 1/2 cup baked frozen fried okra, 3 tablespoons ketchup, clementine orange)
8:36 pm
     * From panic attack to bipolar psychosis:
          * Cry for 4th time today because of a panic attack
          * Hallucinated dead fish piled on my desk
          * Convinced I was a hologram and I didn't really exist
          * Cried for 5th time today from fear
12:30 am
     * Washed face, brushed teeth, moisturized face
1:10 am
     * Got out night meds and tomorrow morning's meds for both DH and me
     * Made mistake getting out the meds because it's so hard to think, I gave DH one of my meds he's allergic to, but fortunately he caught the mistake before he swallowed them.
     * DH checked the other meds I got out and found no more problems
1:15 am
     * Took night meds
     * Moisturized face and lips
     * Relaxed with my Kindle in bed
2:30 am
     * Lights out and going to sleep
   
If you'd like to know more about bipolar psychosis, you can learn more here and here, and you can learn about delusions in people with bipolar disorder here.

This was an incredibly hard blog to write, as going public with these symptoms often cause shame. However, I feel a lot less shame than I used to because it's so important to me to spread awareness of bipolar disorder and what it's really like to live with it.

I hope opening up about this will help at least one person. I'm taking a big breath and hitting publish.


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