My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling With Psychotic Features ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Nonsuicidal Self-Injury (Self-Harm) ~ Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Daily Headache ~ High Cholesterol

Saturday, August 18, 2018

19 years and two and a half hours ago

Last night while I was getting undressed, and DH (Darling Husband) lay sleeping in bed, I had a sudden realization. On my sister's birthday on August 14th, 2000 I was really manic, but not yet diagnosed with bipolar. I had just come home from a friend's wedding the day before. I wanted to leave, as I said, I was very manic, but I stayed home with my sister that day. The next day I met rapist #2. Two days after that I met him for the second time and he raped me. That means that it happened on August 17th, 2000. I previously hadn't been able to remember the date but knew it happened around midnight that night. I made this realization yesterday, on August 17th, 2018 at 2:30 am. I realized it had been 19 years and two and a half hours ago that it happened.

I started shaking uncontrollably and sobbing hard. I was surprised DH didn't wake up. I know I could have woken him, but I really didn't want to, as he really needed his sleep. I know that he will probably be frustrated when he finds out I didn't wake him, as I know he would have wanted me to wake him, but he was finally getting some sleep and I just couldn't bring myself to wake him.

I cried so, so much for such a long time; heartwrenching sobs. I had flashbacks and cried off and on until 6:30 am when I finally fell asleep. Niki heard me cry when I first started, and she ran into the bedroom. She climbed up next to me on the bed and purred. When I finally laid down, she crawled on top of me, purring and giving me kitty head bumps. Eventually, my pain started getting really bad from the release of stress hormones in my body. It's like Niki somehow knew that my pain was getting worse, so she climbed off me and lay down on my pillow next to me. She purred next to my head while I cried, and when my sobbing would slow she'd fall asleep and snore lightly. When I started up sobbing again, she'd press her body against my head and shoulders and purr. Katya also was on top of me, on my legs. At first it was wonderful. Once the pain got really, really bad, though, I tried gently pushing her off. After I pushed her off eleven times I finally let her stay. The pain was excruciating, but it was obvious that she really, really wanted to lay on my thigh and I didn't have a choice about it. I don't love Katya less than Niki, I loved her laying on me, too, until the pain got to flare levels. (It wasn't a flare, however, because a flare must last at least 24 hours.)

DH started waking up, but by then my tears had finally dried up and I was quiet. I gave him a melatonin last night because he just so desperately needed sleep.

Niki helped me get through the night, I think I would have lost it without her. I definitely would have had to wake DH, and I'm very, very worried about his health. Since DH hasn't been sleeping hardly at all, I think it's really making his already poor health worse. As my longtime readers know, DH is disabled as well.

I prayed the Rosary a lot last night. I couldn't remember the Mysteries, I've always had trouble memorizing them, even when I used to pray the Rosary daily. So instead, I imagined the Blessed Virgin Mary in the air above the foot of the bed, her hands clasped in prayer, snakes at her feet, and a blue light emanating from her and lighting up the bedroom. I concentrated on that, and my Niki next to me, and I was able to get through the night. I also concentrated on feeling the love I know DH has for me, as he lay next to me sleeping.

It was a really rough night, but I made it through, and I'm really proud of myself for that.

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