My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling With Psychotic Features ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Nonsuicidal Self-Injury (Self-Harm) ~ Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Daily Headache ~ High Cholesterol

Monday, August 20, 2018

Bullsh*t doesn't get the taste of saccharine out of your mouth

I could stay in contact with everyone online from my bed. I could use pillows to try to get comfy typing a blog from bed. However, I can't be with the kitties (unless they happen to be in bed with me) and I can't be with DH (Darling Husband) without getting out of bed. That's why I get out of bed every day. If it wasn't for DH and the kitties, I think I'd just stay in bed all day.

I can't stop the inner voice from being negative. When I say that inner voice, I'm talking about the internal monolog or self-talk we all have. I don't have any control over it when I'm depressed, it overrides any attempted positive self-talk. If I try and turn my inner monolog into something positive, nothing comes of it, because inside me I know it's all bullshit. Knowing it's all bullshit overrides any cheery saccharin cliché positives learned in therapy to tell myself.

It's only two more days before I can see my therapist again. I've been having a hard time verbally describing how I feel lately, especially the deeper things. It's almost as if the part of my brain that can write about complicated deep things is still free, but the part of my brain that controls talking about that stuff has a lock on it. So I'm not sure how much therapy will be helpful, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

I finished a book last night I really enjoyed. I loved the ending. I loved the rest of the book, too. It was a coming of age LGBTQ+ book about a bisexual teen girl who falls in love with another teenage girl. It was really sweet. I usually don't read YA books, but this is the second YA book I've read recently that I absolutely loved. The other book was a horror book and the first in a series.

I wrote my mom a letter today. I will try to get it out in the mail tomorrow. It turned out longer than I expected, but my hands were in great pain and I had to rest them for a while before I could return to my computer.

It's getting's already after midnight. I think I'll go to bed soon. I took a melatonin last night and still couldn't sleep. Tonight if I can't sleep I think I'll try three Benedryl. I'm so frustrated.

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