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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Scared

I have so incredibly much going through my head right now that I need to write out my thoughts to organize them.  I'm in the waiting room in the middle of the night in Springfield where my mother-in-law is in the hospital.  They don't know if she will make it.  Jim wants to take care of his mom and brother.  I care about them, but my first priority is Jim.  So many crazy things are running through my head, just the stupidest things.  For instance Jim wants his brother to live with us for awhile if their mom doesn't pull through.  Isn't "pull through" a nasty term?  I couldn't think of a better one.  "Passing away" sounds bad, but "dying" is the worst word.  Things are flying in and out of my head so fast.  Like, if Jim's brother comes to live with us for awhile will he be offended by my books on Wicca?  I know he's a strong Christian.  I'm still Agnostic, I'm not ready to identify with any religion yet.  Why is this going through my head?  Why at a time like this am I fixating on my Wiccan books?  There is so, so much to worry about and it's like my brain worked only for so long then it got hung up.  Do I have to pretend to be Christian if he is there?  What is my fucking deal?  I feel like screaming.  Too much is happening too fast.  It's more than I can take but I have to be strong for Jim.  I'm only a few days out of a very bad flare and I'm afraid I'll be back in it.  I'm no help to anyone when I'm not able to move and sobbing.  I'm trying deep breathing but then I notice my stomach rumbling.  Everything is happening too much too fast.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to make it better.  The only thing keeping me sane is knowing that prayers are going out.  I'm Agnostic, not Atheist, and I do believe very much in the power of prayer no matter the deity if it is said with a sincere heart and good intent.  What do I do?

2 comments:

  1. Breathe, of course you're overwhelmed and your brain is getting 'stuck' on little things.
    I know you want to be there for Jim in this stressful time. Take good care of yourself so you can best do that is what I'd try to do. That said, if you need help ask for it. When my DH is going through hard stuff he often likes to take care of me because it takes his mind off of his stuff and is a normal activity for him.
    My thoughts go out to you, Jim, and his family.

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  2. My thoughts go out to your mother-in-law.

    As far as religion is concerned, I wouldn't bring the subject up in conversation. Most peole feel the same way. If the subject is brought up, I would reccommend stating your beliefs, but not arguing about it. Agree to disagree as it were. My beliefs are an odd mixture of wiccan and buddhist...

    Aside from that all I can say is don't take on more than you can handle. Try to keep your spirits up.

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete

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