My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Nonsuicidal Self-Injury (Self-Harm) ~ Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Living in Pain

“Living in Pain”
Sunday, October 31, 2010
3:46 pm


I am so tired of living in pain.  What does someone do when the pain won’t stop?  I’ve actually found myself wondering if it hurts to die. It can’t hurt worse than this.  I’ve even thought about slicing my wrists as a last resort.  No, I’m not suicidal, but I have to admit that when I really hurt I sometimes think about it.  The pain is constant, never ending.  I have endless ways to describe my pain.  I hate it.  Pain has invaded my body and set up residence throughout.  I want to bleed it from my body, let it drain out.  I just wish I knew how.

I’m so tired of living in pain. 
the pain won’t stop
the pain won’t stop
the pain won’t stop
Does it hurt to die?
Will a razor blade be quickest?
Will the pain even be noticed?
My body, my nerves, my cells
scream in fiery agony,
overpowering the sound
of my blood in my veins.
I can’t go on like this.
I can’t live like this forever.
the pain won’t stop
the pain won’t stop
the pain won’t stop
It’s invaded my body,
set up residence,
slowly destroying my life.
Can it even comprehend the damage?
I hate this pain,
I want to cut it out,
rip it’s roots from me.
the pain won’t stop
the pain won’t stop
the pain won’t stop
What if it never stops?

I want to repeat, though, that I am not suicidal and haven’t been for many, many years.  The feeling that comes with being suicidal; the emptiness, the endless pain, the knowledge it won’t get better and the incredible fear, are present.  Any wish to act is absolutely not there, and DH if you are reading this you haven’t anything to worry about.  There, just wanted to add that disclaimer there.

Remember, if I can’t write my feelings on my blog I’d rather just not have one, so please blog readers, don’t get upset.

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