My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I ~ Migraines ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Non-suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI or SI) ~ Painful Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Multiple Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Mixed state

My thoughts have been racing the past week, and today I could no longer ignore or deny that I'm cycling again and in the throes of a mixed state.  My mind is racing, yet dead at the same time.  I've had muscle twitches and panic attacks all day that just recently calmed down during a long talk with my bestie Vanessa.  I've always been a loner, and I tend to have a few very close friends rather than many friends.  My friendship with her came along at just the right point in my life when I really needed someone.  She's been there for me and I hope that I've been as good of friend to her as she has to me.  There are only a few people in this world I really trust and she is one of them.  I think only another zebra can really understand another zebra (person with a rare disease, meaning EDS).

I've completed my first week of grad school but my financial aid is messed up.  I have to get it straightened out by Tuesday.  I found out it was messed up on Friday afternoon and didn't have time to get it fixed.  So far I've got my assignments in, I've passed the introduction to the university's online program, Moodle, and I've got my book highlighted and marked up.  I couldn't read any today.  My brain is just going too fast and is too dull at the same time.  I can't concentrate.  Speaking of concentrate...why was the blond staring at the glass of orange juice?  It said concentrate!  Okay, so I learned that in fourth grade and it isn't exactly new, but I still break a smile when I hear it.  It was the first joke I remembered enough of to retell that wasn't some kid's knock knock joke.  I felt so important when I told that joke in front of all the grown-ups.  :-)

You know what gets on my nerves?  It irritates me when people act like just because I have a mental illness, I am stupid.  Mental illness and IQ are two different things.  I've also had the opposite happen, people act like I couldn't possible have problems if I'm smart.  My IQ is well above-average, but that doesn't mean I don't have mental illness.  Many bipolar people throughout history have been artists, writers, leaders, and everything else known to (wo)man.  Some famous people with bipolar are: Jim Carey, Patty Duke, Carrie Fischer, Ned Beatty, Rosemary Clooney, Vivien Leigh, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Tracy Ullman, Tim Burton, Ludwig von Beethoven, Vincent Van Gogh, Ted Turner, Buzz Aldrin, Jimi Hendrix, Jeannie C. Riley, Sylvia Plath (it is also theorized she had Borderline Personality Disorder), Anne Sexton, Robert Lowell, Darryl Strawberry, Patricia Cornwell, Edgar Allan Poe, Mark Twain, Virginia Woolf.  There is a book by Kay Redfield Jamison called Touched With Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament that I want to read but haven't yet.

Just a side note I thought I'd add on semantics; bipolar and manic depression are the same thing.  Manic depression is the old name for it, and bipolar is the name used now, and is also the name is the DSM.  I prefer the old name, manic depression, because I feel it better conveys the seriousness of the illness.  Also, bipolar is abbreviated BP, not BPD.  BPD is the abbreviation of Borderline Personality Disorder.  For my final point, bipolar is not hyphenated.  It is not spelled "bi-polar."  It is spelled "bipolar."

Anyway, I thought I'd end with a self-portrait I did a few years ago.  It's called "Manic Depression."

"Manic Depression" by Amy

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