My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling With Psychotic Features ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Self-Harm ~ Bilateral Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Daily Headache ~ Eczema

Friday, September 2, 2011

Understanding the Borderline Mother

Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson
Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson


I'm currently reading Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson.  Lawson says there are four types of mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder.  She uses fairy tale character traits to classify them as the Waif, the Hermit, the Queen, and the Witch.

The Waif's darkness is helplessness.  She always feels victimized and resigns herself to the worst possible outcome.  She is passive, permissive, invalidates her own competence, tends to be underemployed, suffers from chronic illness, neglects her health, and is likely to deprive herself.  She often uses drugs, alcohol, money, food, or sex to self-soothe.  Real or imagined abandonment triggers suicidal feelings, and the Waif is alternately indulgent and negligent with her children. She often uses fantasy to escape the real world.  She gives away or destroys good things because in her mind good things don't last.  The Waif suffers depression, crying spells, and panic attacks more frequently than rage.  "The Waif mother's motto: Life is too hard."


The Hermit's darkness is fear.  She feels persecuted, is possessive, controlling, avoids groups, and is reclusive.  More than rejection she fears abandonment.  She ruminates excessively, is acutely possessive, and is insanely jealous.  She may be superstitious.  The Hermit overreacts to pain and illness.  She also uses food, alcohol, and sex to self-sooth.  The Hermit evokes guilt and anxiety in those around her.  "The Hermit mother's motto: Life is too dangerous."


The Queen's darkness is emptiness.  She feels deprivation, envy, and is preoccupied with the need to be mirrored.  She seeks attention, fame, or prominence.  The Queen demands loyalty and discards those who betray her.  "Children are 'on display.'  The Queen mother uses her children to gain attention, recognition, or admiration, and children must mirror her interests.  Her hysterical reactions terrify or confuse her children.  She is intrusive and violates boundaries.  She believes rules do not apply to her.  She is ambitious and determined and can seem strong.  "The Queen's motto: It's all about me."


The Witch's darkness is annihilating rage.  The Witch is the rarest of the sub-types.  She loathes herself and is convinced that she is evil.  She is sadistically controlling and punitive with her children.  She possesses annihilatory rage and organizes a campaign of denigration.  The Witch stirs of conflict and controversy in groups and hostility masks her fear.  She is intrusive, domineering, and violates the boundaries of others.  She destroys valued objects or is intentionally withholding.  She possesses the conviction of being evil.  She has a fear of entrapment and, unfortunately, a poor prognosis for treatment.  "The witch's motto: Life is war."


Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) wreaks havoc on a family, regardless of the family member who has it.  As a side note, some people abbreviate bipolar as BPD, when in fact bipolar is abbreviated BP; also bipolar is not hyphenated.  I am about a quarter of a way through the book right now.  I have a pretty good idea of which of Lawson's sub-types my mom falls into, but I want to finish the book before I comment more on it.

Knowing I'm not alone in the crazy experiences that have happened to me and my family means a lot.  It means even more if I can try to understand it.  I am not interested in ever forgiving her, seeing her, or loving her again.  I certainly don't want my future children around her.  I would like to heal from her abuse, though, and put it behind me.  I hope this book can help me with that.  I have another book on Borderline parents, Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, PH.D., LCSW, but I haven't read all of that.  I read part of it once a few years ago, but I was under so much stress it was really hard to read that particular book.  The reason I can read this book now is because everyone is gone from my house (that is not a free hotel anymore) and our life is moving forward again.  All I wanted for the past three or four months was for everyone to be gone so our life could move forward again.  That's the goal, isn't it?

1 comment:

  1. A great review; insightful, thorough, feminist, meaningful, empowering. cheers to you, @bobbygw

    ReplyDelete

Comments? Questions? Please show class and respect in your comments. All comments are previewed, but anyone can comment. I welcome your comments!

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...