tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64640951637563120082024-03-13T10:03:58.609-05:00SurvivorLiving life with chronic pain, mental illness, and the ghosts of an abusive pastUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger378125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-32436963240519235132019-07-18T21:47:00.000-05:002019-07-18T21:47:05.660-05:00You mean it's not normal?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I remember little things that I didn't understand growing up and until I found out I have EDS (see <a href="https://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/p/ehlers-danlos-syndrome-eds.html" target="_blank">What Are Ehlers-Danlos syndromes?</a>). For instance, I remember being four and asking my Grandma and <a href="https://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/search/label/Mama" target="_blank">Mama</a> why they liked footstools when your <a href="https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/assessing-joint-hypermobility/" target="_blank">knees just bend backward</a> when you prop your feet out and it hurts after a while. I remember them looking at me weird and saying "Knees don't bend backward." I was really confused because I thought that everyone's knees bent backward, but I shrugged it off. <div>
<br />Mama used to tell me when I was a teenager that my skin was so soft and velvety, yet I got so many stretch marks so easily, that it was like my collagen was made weird. So she'd buy me collagen lotion because we didn't know any better at the time and thought it would fix it. This was about fifteen years before my diagnosis or either of us ever hearing of EDS.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gxhs2C80wxQ/XTEsrWgqWoI/AAAAAAAAWJ4/BvudGs3ebi4L7j-3ov4nDvEDB2vGEFZ6ACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_0996.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Me at age ten" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1258" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gxhs2C80wxQ/XTEsrWgqWoI/AAAAAAAAWJ4/BvudGs3ebi4L7j-3ov4nDvEDB2vGEFZ6ACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_0996.JPG" title="Me at age ten" width="251" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me at age ten</td></tr>
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<br />When I was in track and field it confused me so much how people could be such great runners, jumpers, throwers, etc. but not be able to sit in the floor, lean forward, and comfortable rest their wrists on the toes. I was also confused why no one else was able to stand, bend over, and put their hands flat on the floor without bending their knees. It's so easy for me, how on Earth could someone be in such good shape and not be able to do something so easy?<br /></div>
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Whenever we did the <a href="http://www.vcs.net/uploaded/athletics/Presidential_Testing_Standards.html?1442249271749" target="_blank">Presidential Fitness Test</a> it was the worst time of the year because it hurt to run, it hurt to try chin-ups, it hurt to sprint, etc. So that always meant I could look forward to non-stop pain for the next couple of weeks or so. I thought it was that way for everyone, but they hid it better, since the doctors kept saying I was normal. It started being so painful to run by the time I was eight that I cried every time we ran, doubled over in pain, embarrassed as I tried my hardest not to cry, and often failed. I thought I must just be wimpier than others because everyone's joints and muscles have to be hurting as well, I just couldn't handle normal pain. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4g693WojDAQ/XTEreeC2VdI/AAAAAAAAWJs/XaszxktJvTo6r-UWhfTPJWm5QD-f-DwvQCLcBGAs/s1600/Flexall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="350" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4g693WojDAQ/XTEreeC2VdI/AAAAAAAAWJs/XaszxktJvTo6r-UWhfTPJWm5QD-f-DwvQCLcBGAs/s320/Flexall.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I also thought everyone always hurt all the time, that it was normal. I remember sitting on the black metal front steps of our trailer with <a href="https://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/search/label/Daddy" target="_blank">Daddy</a> when I was a kid. I remember saying while crying, "Why does it hurt so bad, Daddy? I hurt so bad everywhere, why does it hurt so bad? Please, Daddy, make it go away. If feels like there's knives in my knees, they hurt so bad. Make it stop." I remember a concerned look on his face and shortly after my parents took me to the doctor for the first time for chronic pain. I've been going to the doctor for pain since I was four. Throughout the years, they would do X-rays and they always came back normal, so I was told I was normal, but I just had a super low pain tolerance and basically couldn't handle normal life. I never got anything for my pain until I was eighteen when I was finally prescribed <a href="https://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-16849/celebrex-oral/details" target="_blank">Celebrex</a> (a <a href="https://www.spine-health.com/treatment/pain-medication/understanding-cox-2-inhibitor-side-effects" target="_blank">COX-2 Inhibitor</a>, a type of NSAID). I've not stopped taking Celebrex since then, but I've doubled the dose I started on. Back then Celebrex had no generics, and my doctor spent hours on the phone with the insurance company, and no doctor ever devoted that much time to me as she did. <br /></div>
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My dad taught me how to wrap my knees, ankles, and wrists with <a href="https://www.acebrand.com/3M/en_US/ace-brand/products/~/ACE-Brand-Elastic-Bandages/?N=4304+3294605848&rt=rud" target="_blank">ACE bandages</a> when I was eleven. That's when I started using <a href="https://www.drugs.com/cdi/flexall.html" target="_blank">Flexall</a>, which totally destroyed any chance of making friends because I smelled like menthol all the time. It didn't help that I often limped, started around age eight, sometimes on one leg, sometimes on the other, and occasionally would cry in class from the pain, especially if it was very cold in the classroom or we just got back from recess or P.E. I think people thought it was weird that I limped on different legs sometimes on the same day, but both legs hurt, sometimes one more than the other.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ivsHz2dd644/XTEu_T-U-gI/AAAAAAAAWKE/13VSFmtN_3w2XCoK-rTc54OMBdU3r252gCLcBGAs/s1600/Celebrex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="200 mg Celebrex" border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ivsHz2dd644/XTEu_T-U-gI/AAAAAAAAWKE/13VSFmtN_3w2XCoK-rTc54OMBdU3r252gCLcBGAs/s1600/Celebrex.jpg" title="200 mg Celebrex" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">200 mg Celebrex</td></tr>
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It never occurred to me that I wasn't normal. I thought my joints were normal and everyone else I knew just was extra stiff. I have to admit, when I was finally diagnosed with EDS it explained a lot. I'm learning new things all the time about EDS and it explains more and more things about me. I don't know what I would have done in days before the internet. I know I never would have been diagnosed!</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-60400564130012640612018-11-19T18:38:00.002-06:002018-11-19T18:38:36.032-06:005 Great Charities To Give To For #GivingTuesday, and 3 Not To<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Good Places To Donate:</b><br />
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1. <a href="https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/donate/" target="_blank">Crisis Text Line</a><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-G06sKEBhg2Y/W-uoAZ3hSnI/AAAAAAAAVoc/UdQugui61bMVbW20dDPy5p9mRjU3n7yJACLcBGAs/s1600/Crisis%2BText%2BLine%2B-%2B2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Donate to Crisis Text Line #GivingTuesday" border="0" data-original-height="302" data-original-width="302" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-G06sKEBhg2Y/W-uoAZ3hSnI/AAAAAAAAVoc/UdQugui61bMVbW20dDPy5p9mRjU3n7yJACLcBGAs/s1600/Crisis%2BText%2BLine%2B-%2B2.png" title="Donate to Crisis Text Line #GivingTuesday" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/donate/" target="_blank">Donate to Crisis Text Line</a></td></tr>
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The Crisis Text Line is a great program that I've taken advantage of. The trained people on the other end of the texts are very helpful. If you donate to this charity, you may be saving a lot of lives.<br />
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2. <a href="https://donate.rainn.org/" target="_blank">RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)</a><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3c82IL5gUDM/W-uoqAK4EDI/AAAAAAAAVoo/UNifKaiZPAIYmMc0nhe-EpJuRAtIEjoEgCLcBGAs/s1600/RAIN-Logo-2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) needs your donations #GivingTuesday" border="0" data-original-height="265" data-original-width="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3c82IL5gUDM/W-uoqAK4EDI/AAAAAAAAVoo/UNifKaiZPAIYmMc0nhe-EpJuRAtIEjoEgCLcBGAs/s1600/RAIN-Logo-2.jpeg" title="RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) needs your donations #GivingTuesday" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://donate.rainn.org/" target="_blank">Donate to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)</a></td></tr>
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RAINN is there for people who have experienced rape, abuse, and/or incest. They do great work to help people, including a hotline you can call at https://www.rainn.org/.<br />
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3. <a href="https://www.domesticshelters.org/search#?page=1" target="_blank">Your local domestic violence shelter</a><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fjPyuvCJNX8/W-usVJHRWEI/AAAAAAAAVpo/Wd1Hc5nxVwgyYPBR_N6R6A3cD1qgaIO4QCLcBGAs/s1600/safe%2Bhouse.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Donate to your local domestic violence shelter" border="0" data-original-height="415" data-original-width="386" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fjPyuvCJNX8/W-usVJHRWEI/AAAAAAAAVpo/Wd1Hc5nxVwgyYPBR_N6R6A3cD1qgaIO4QCLcBGAs/s320/safe%2Bhouse.png" title="Donate to your local domestic violence shelter" width="297" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px; padding-top: 4px; text-align: center;">Donate to your local domestic violence shelter</td></tr>
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Help people in your own community by donating time, items, or money to your local domestic violence shelter.<br />
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4. <a href="https://www.homelessshelterdirectory.org/" target="_blank">Your local homeless shelter</a><br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nWBzqqNqUac/W-usqCqy0gI/AAAAAAAAVp4/I_E1c2NsJpcU0CSWYFSVTg4ZGRrjN8wzwCLcBGAs/s1600/homeless%2Bshelter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Donate to your local homeless shelter" border="0" data-original-height="563" data-original-width="845" height="213" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nWBzqqNqUac/W-usqCqy0gI/AAAAAAAAVp4/I_E1c2NsJpcU0CSWYFSVTg4ZGRrjN8wzwCLcBGAs/s320/homeless%2Bshelter.jpg" title="Donate to your local homeless shelter" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Donate to your local homeless shelter</td></tr>
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Again, this is a great way to help people in your own community. You could provide items they need, money, or donate your time.<br />
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5. <a href="https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/donate/" target="_blank">Suicide Prevention Lifeline</a><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2wyD3_wEaYo/W-uoz2TT5dI/AAAAAAAAVos/cKFnvk4Okz8h_P6z5VAT6OD2iSTjPKUYwCLcBGAs/s1600/NSPL_Logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="739" data-original-width="672" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2wyD3_wEaYo/W-uoz2TT5dI/AAAAAAAAVos/cKFnvk4Okz8h_P6z5VAT6OD2iSTjPKUYwCLcBGAs/s320/NSPL_Logo.jpg" width="290" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/donate/" target="_blank">Donate to National Suicide Prevention Lifeline</a></td></tr>
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Donate to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and save a life today!<br />
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<b>Don't Donate To These Organizations:</b><br />
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1. <a href="https://www.hrc.org/resources/10-things-you-should-know-about-focus-on-the-family" target="_blank">Focus on the Family</a> and <a href="https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/group/family-research-council" target="_blank">Family Research Council</a><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OfYTtGtdILQ/W-urxR7BamI/AAAAAAAAVpY/fHXIaKxxlH0VK16Jr9W1hnWHhcYUWJZKACLcBGAs/s1600/2018-13-11-22-56-42.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Avoid donations to the Hate Group Family Research Council" border="0" data-original-height="834" data-original-width="817" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OfYTtGtdILQ/W-urxR7BamI/AAAAAAAAVpY/fHXIaKxxlH0VK16Jr9W1hnWHhcYUWJZKACLcBGAs/s320/2018-13-11-22-56-42.jpeg" title="Avoid donations to the Hate Group Family Research Council" width="313" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/group/family-research-council" target="_blank">Don't donate to the Hate Group Family Research Council</a></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-k7mkunyJevo/W-urIrAKn1I/AAAAAAAAVo8/Iuvgvr5JyC4ZMTkO0LzUD2HePJqEj2CZACLcBGAs/s1600/2018-13-11-22-53-36.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Don't donate to the Hate Group Focus On The Family" border="0" data-original-height="593" data-original-width="589" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-k7mkunyJevo/W-urIrAKn1I/AAAAAAAAVo8/Iuvgvr5JyC4ZMTkO0LzUD2HePJqEj2CZACLcBGAs/s320/2018-13-11-22-53-36.jpeg" title="Don't donate to the Hate Group Focus On The Family" width="317" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.hrc.org/resources/10-things-you-should-know-about-focus-on-the-family" target="_blank">Don't donate to the Hate Group Focus On The Family</a></td></tr>
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Focus on the Family is a part of the Family Research Council. They have donated thousands of dollars toward fighting against LGBTQ+ people's rights.<br />
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2. <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/kids-wish-network-named-worst-charity-2013-6" target="_blank">Kids Wish Network</a><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QiOcDRZ2P4M/W-u677tWBtI/AAAAAAAAVqM/WBHVFRCR1tw9ypRusfssn_lGHJQgUYMPACLcBGAs/s1600/2018-14-11-00-02-17.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Don't donate to the bogus "charity" Kids Wish Network" border="0" data-original-height="345" data-original-width="335" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QiOcDRZ2P4M/W-u677tWBtI/AAAAAAAAVqM/WBHVFRCR1tw9ypRusfssn_lGHJQgUYMPACLcBGAs/s320/2018-14-11-00-02-17.jpeg" title="Don't donate to the bogus "charity" Kids Wish Network" width="310" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/kids-wish-network-named-worst-charity-2013-6" target="_blank">Don't donate to the bogus "charity" Kids Wish Network</a></td></tr>
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Kids Wish Network has been in the news a lot in recent years for donating any money to children but instead lining their own pocketbooks.<br />
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3. <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2015/05/19/us/scam-charity-investigation/index.html" target="_blank">American Breast Cancer Foundation</a><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gAv17iKXx4s/W-9qTilyeQI/AAAAAAAAVr8/o4-IvNKTUQQhcbpppTIR_LWSjhwwVvSywCLcBGAs/s1600/2018-16-11-18-54-37.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Don't donate to the bogus "charity" American Breast Cancer Foundation" border="0" data-original-height="1399" data-original-width="1491" height="300" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gAv17iKXx4s/W-9qTilyeQI/AAAAAAAAVr8/o4-IvNKTUQQhcbpppTIR_LWSjhwwVvSywCLcBGAs/s320/2018-16-11-18-54-37.jpeg" title="Don't donate to the bogus "charity" American Breast Cancer Foundation" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.cnn.com/2015/05/19/us/scam-charity-investigation/index.html" target="_blank">Don't donate to the bogus "charity" American Breast Cancer Foundation</a></td></tr>
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This charity is completely bogus. Money donated to the American Breast Cancer Foundation goes straight into the pockets of the rich, and none of it goes to help breast cancer victims or prevent it.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-9489705236634406792018-10-02T18:37:00.002-05:002018-10-02T18:37:41.751-05:00Pheonix<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
“Pheonix” <br /><br />Anxiety is a weight inside you<br />It's pressing, pulsing, and alive<br />More alive than you are<br />Depression is a deep blackness<br />Craving the fire inside to restart<br />You blow on the kindling<br />Burn, burn, burn<br />So you can rise again <div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ss4nKI3ENYU/W7QBGGeeBgI/AAAAAAAAVjo/oACCbVHBzxMSNMysvfTKsl2ZKjkLxzxUgCLcBGAs/s1600/book%2Bon%2Bfire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="846" data-original-width="1100" height="246" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ss4nKI3ENYU/W7QBGGeeBgI/AAAAAAAAVjo/oACCbVHBzxMSNMysvfTKsl2ZKjkLxzxUgCLcBGAs/s320/book%2Bon%2Bfire.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-63113132105806964602018-09-21T21:05:00.000-05:002018-09-21T21:05:33.184-05:00I had a lot of dreams last sleep<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I dreamed that I met one of my Facebook friends in person. We were sitting across a table from each other. I said, "I hate cops." Then he said "ACAB," (All Cops Are Bastards) and showed me his tattoo. I have no clue what that dream was about. I don't like cops in general, but I don't think they're <i>all</i> crooked. </div>
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<br />I also dreamed that Niki died, it was horrible. I dream about her death a lot. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FMcpDKC7rZo/W6Wi9l3dpmI/AAAAAAAAViQ/9CaJU51SWugKj3nu2voeotCK_vdDTdiGgCLcBGAs/s1600/2018-21-09-21-02-16.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Photo of me" border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="540" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FMcpDKC7rZo/W6Wi9l3dpmI/AAAAAAAAViQ/9CaJU51SWugKj3nu2voeotCK_vdDTdiGgCLcBGAs/s320/2018-21-09-21-02-16.jpeg" title="Photo of me" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me</td></tr>
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<br />I also dreamed I was kidnapped and raped, but I dream that nearly every night so that's nothing unusual. That's just a normal dream.</div>
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<br />In another dream, I was sold into sex slavery and was confined to the hull of a huge ship that looked like an old slave trade ship. I've been having that dream a lot in the last few weeks. The ship is always on the hill you turn off onto on AA Highway on the way to my grandparents' house was in my hometown. I hated my Grandma until the day she died, and still hate her. I hated my Grandpa until he was an old man and quit being an abusive asshole. Grandpa was a good man when he passed away and had been for awhile. However, I associate that hill with the dread of driving past their house. I used to get this sick feeling in my stomach every time we passed that hill.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jjrMNTeas8A/W6WcsKutCRI/AAAAAAAAViE/JA22u6TbxAABKfT_xw1UemcAnwAMK-2mACLcBGAs/s1600/insane%2Basylum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="479" data-original-width="852" height="179" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jjrMNTeas8A/W6WcsKutCRI/AAAAAAAAViE/JA22u6TbxAABKfT_xw1UemcAnwAMK-2mACLcBGAs/s320/insane%2Basylum.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo credit: Matt Van der Velde</td></tr>
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I also dreamed I snuck into a McDonald's meat processing plant and rode the conveyer belt with fresh hamburger on it. I could smell beef blood everywhere, it was disgusting. I rode it into a cave where I jumped off into a river. I've been having dreams for months about jumping into rivers in caves. I can't figure out what that means. It is showing up so often in my dreams it has to symbolize something to my unconscious mind.</div>
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<br />In the last dream that I remember, I dreamed someone stole my Harry Potter books, which is practically a death penalty offense. I keep dreaming about people stealing my books, or putting my books in the river.</div>
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<br />My mind <i><b>NEVER</b></i> turns off!</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-31171240471979917972018-08-20T00:23:00.002-05:002018-08-20T00:23:57.189-05:00Bullsh*t doesn't get the taste of saccharine out of your mouth<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I could stay in contact with everyone online from my bed. I could use pillows to try to get comfy typing a blog from bed. However, I can't be with the kitties (unless they happen to be in bed with me) and I can't be with DH (Darling Husband) without getting out of bed. That's why I get out of bed every day. If it wasn't for DH and the kitties, I think I'd just stay in bed all day.<br />
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I can't stop the inner voice from being negative. When I say that inner voice, I'm talking about the internal monolog or self-talk we all have. I don't have any control over it when I'm depressed, it overrides any attempted positive self-talk. If I try and turn my inner monolog into something positive, nothing comes of it, because inside me I know it's all bullshit. Knowing it's all bullshit overrides any cheery saccharin cliché positives learned in therapy to tell myself.<br />
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It's only two more days before I can see my therapist again. I've been having a hard time verbally describing how I feel lately, especially the deeper things. It's almost as if the part of my brain that can write about complicated deep things is still free, but the part of my brain that controls talking about that stuff has a lock on it. So I'm not sure how much therapy will be helpful, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.<br />
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I finished a <a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Make-Wish-Ashley-Herring-Blake/dp/1328869326/" target="_blank">book</a> last night I really enjoyed. I loved the ending. I loved the rest of the book, too. It was a coming of age LGBTQ+ book about a bisexual teen girl who falls in love with another teenage girl. It was really sweet. I usually don't read YA books, but this is the second YA book I've read recently that I absolutely loved. The other book was a horror <a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Not-Even-Bones-Rebecca-Schaeffer/dp/1328863549/" target="_blank">book</a> and the first in a series.<br />
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I wrote my mom a letter today. I will try to get it out in the mail tomorrow. It turned out longer than I expected, but my hands were in great pain and I had to rest them for a while before I could return to my computer.<br />
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It's getting late...it's already after midnight. I think I'll go to bed soon. I took a melatonin last night and still couldn't sleep. Tonight if I can't sleep I think I'll try three Benedryl. I'm so frustrated.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-84426159763538499582018-08-18T19:14:00.001-05:002018-08-18T19:14:48.143-05:0019 years and two and a half hours ago<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last night while I was getting undressed, and DH (Darling Husband) lay sleeping in bed, I had a sudden realization. On my sister's birthday on August 14th, 2000 I was really manic, but not yet diagnosed with bipolar. I had just come home from a friend's wedding the day before. I wanted to leave, as I said, I was very manic, but I stayed home with my sister that day. The next day I met rapist #2. Two days after that I met him for the second time and he raped me. That means that it happened on August 17th, 2000. I previously hadn't been able to remember the date but knew it happened around midnight that night. I made this realization yesterday, on August 17th, 2018 at 2:30 am. I realized it had been 19 years and two and a half hours ago that it happened.<br />
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I started shaking uncontrollably and sobbing hard. I was surprised DH didn't wake up. I know I could have woken him, but I really didn't want to, as he really needed his sleep. I know that he will probably be frustrated when he finds out I didn't wake him, as I know he would have wanted me to wake him, but he was finally getting some sleep and I just couldn't bring myself to wake him.<br />
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I cried so, so much for such a long time; heartwrenching sobs. I had flashbacks and cried off and on until 6:30 am when I finally fell asleep. Niki heard me cry when I first started, and she ran into the bedroom. She climbed up next to me on the bed and purred. When I finally laid down, she crawled on top of me, purring and giving me kitty head bumps. Eventually, my pain started getting really bad from the release of stress hormones in my body. It's like Niki somehow knew that my pain was getting worse, so she climbed off me and lay down on my pillow next to me. She purred next to my head while I cried, and when my sobbing would slow she'd fall asleep and snore lightly. When I started up sobbing again, she'd press her body against my head and shoulders and purr. Katya also was on top of me, on my legs. At first it was wonderful. Once the pain got really, really bad, though, I tried gently pushing her off. After I pushed her off eleven times I finally let her stay. The pain was excruciating, but it was obvious that she really, really wanted to lay on my thigh and I didn't have a choice about it. I don't love Katya less than Niki, I loved her laying on me, too, until the pain got to flare levels. (It wasn't a flare, however, because a flare must last at least 24 hours.)<br />
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DH started waking up, but by then my tears had finally dried up and I was quiet. I gave him a melatonin last night because he just so desperately needed sleep.<br />
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Niki helped me get through the night, I think I would have lost it without her. I definitely would have had to wake DH, and I'm very, very worried about his health. Since DH hasn't been sleeping hardly at all, I think it's really making his already poor health worse. As my longtime readers know, DH is disabled as well.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IS5_42tdm9I/W3i2BNHKEUI/AAAAAAAAVdg/qFl62LFib2Emljoo6md6j7iT_v8nI93vQCEwYBhgL/s1600/2018-18-08-19-08-04.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IS5_42tdm9I/W3i2BNHKEUI/AAAAAAAAVdg/qFl62LFib2Emljoo6md6j7iT_v8nI93vQCEwYBhgL/s320/2018-18-08-19-08-04.jpeg" width="320" /></a>I prayed the <a href="https://www.rosarycenter.org/homepage-2/rosary/how-to-pray-the-rosary/" target="_blank">Rosary</a> a lot last night. I couldn't remember the Mysteries, I've always had trouble memorizing them, even when I used to pray the Rosary daily. So instead, I imagined the Blessed Virgin Mary in the air above the foot of the bed, her hands clasped in prayer, snakes at her feet, and a blue light emanating from her and lighting up the bedroom. I concentrated on that, and my Niki next to me, and I was able to get through the night. I also concentrated on feeling the love I know DH has for me, as he lay next to me sleeping.<br />
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It was a really rough night, but I made it through, and I'm really proud of myself for that.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-80712851078441090162018-08-17T22:07:00.000-05:002018-08-17T22:07:00.058-05:00The clouds moving in<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last night I took a melatonin pill and it helped me get a nice ten hours of sleep. I haven't been sleeping enough at night, so I'm sleepier during the day than normal. I already have a lot of daytime sleepiness, from a combination of my poor health, unrestful sleep, and meds. It helped my mood tremendously, though I'm still very, very fatigued. Then when the sun went down my depression moved back in, like foul black clouds moving to cover the moon.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-3417446076875999352018-08-16T17:59:00.001-05:002018-08-16T17:59:39.586-05:00With nothing under my feet<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Trigger Warning: suicide, self-harm<br />.<br />
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.<br />I hate what mental illness does to my brain so much. Since I've been thirteen I've dealt with suicidal thoughts and self-harm. My bipolar began with a three-year depressive episode that started when I was ten, and I had my first manic episode very shortly after turning fourteen. I don't even remember anymore how old I was both times I attempted suicide. I'm sure if you're curious I mention the age I was somewhere in another blog entry. Right now my brain is fuzzy and I can't remember.<br />
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In the past three years, I've spent many a night crying and fighting the urge to act on swallowing a bottle of mouthwash, bleach, all my meds, or ending it with a beautiful scarf. <b><u>I'm not suicidal right now.</u></b> I haven't been for quite a while. But my mind, since I was thirteen, constantly makes note of the nearest sharp objects, and the nearest items I could kill myself on. I don't have to be suicidal, I don't have to be in an episode. I don't have to want to cut. My brain just automatically constantly notices these things. It's so second nature, it's not something I try to do. It just happens. It's constant and I hate it.<br />
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<b>I've gone forty-one days without self-harm.</b> I'm very proud of this. My mind is still on it all the time, though it gets easier to say no to the urges the longer I go without cutting. There are triggers <i>everywhere.</i> I feel like an addict, I think about it all the time. Sometimes the thoughts are unwanted, other times I crave it so much, but I know it's just not a good thing to do. It's a bad coping mechanism. So I fight it, I have to. I fight it constantly.<br />
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It's when I'm by alone that I cry, shake, and express how I really feel on the outside when I don't have to be strong for anyone, I can turn into the quivering and crying mess I am inside. I'm able to get in touch with my actual feelings and face them when I'm alone. When people are around I have to appear strong, I have to laugh, I have to try and look like I'm paying attention to what they're saying while in my head I'm drawing a box cutter slowly down my legs and beautiful red blood is spilling everywhere, sticky, warm, and gorgeous. It only makes the draw toward cutting worse knowing how low the chance is from bleeding out if you cut in the right areas, but it is hard to control sometimes once you start, so there lies the danger, as well as the danger of infection. That's not even mentioning unsightly scars.<br />
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This is the sixth day in a row I've been depressed, but these six days have felt more like six months. I can feel myself sliding downward, but I'm completely down yet. For it to qualify as a depressive episode in someone with bipolar, you need to have depression for two weeks. Hopefully, I can kick this before it turns into an episode. In general, I usually get hit with a depressive episode that starts sometime between September and November that usually goes away in March or April. By Thanksgiving, I'm usually fighting suicidal feelings. However, I still love Thanksgiving, though there have been two of the last ten years I stayed in bed nearly all day because I was so severely depressed I physically couldn't get out of bed. I've been feeling very anti-social, angry, and very irritable lately. My pain levels have been very high, and my fatigue horrible. That doesn't help my depression any.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mMZdJg8dl14/W3X9NwT3NxI/AAAAAAAAVcw/q6ylPQbJ4ncnxFkcH8SA9vat1LEazE0hgCLcBGAs/s1600/dont%2Bkill%2Bit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="523" data-original-width="944" height="177" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mMZdJg8dl14/W3X9NwT3NxI/AAAAAAAAVcw/q6ylPQbJ4ncnxFkcH8SA9vat1LEazE0hgCLcBGAs/s320/dont%2Bkill%2Bit.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From the movie <i><a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/dont_kill_it/" target="_blank">Don't Kill It</a></i></td></tr>
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I recently watched a B horror flick called <i><a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/dont_kill_it/" target="_blank">Don't Kill It</a></i>. (Spoilers following.) In it, a demon takes possession of people's bodies. When the demon takes possession, their eyes turn all black and they let out a guttural scream, before killing everyone in sight. In the end, instead of killing other people, one person gets possessed and while floating in the air, she throws back her head and lets loose the sounds of Hell, before the grenade she's holding explodes, and her body parts fly everywhere. I feel like I'm that last person. I don't feel possessed, rather I feel like if I don't keep a tight lid on everything I'm going to float up into the air, throw back my head, let loose the throaty, guttural, howls from the bowels of despair, and explode, with my body parts flying everywhere.<br />
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I feel like there's more to say, but I'll stop here.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-72356085092697091432018-08-11T16:07:00.001-05:002018-08-11T16:07:33.313-05:00Why I still listen to the album that was on when I was raped<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Trigger Warning: Rape<br /><br />I still listen to the album that was on the second time the first guy raped me. It was <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3yvDIgPjfk&list=PL1eXVaRh3ZeS7REot7TW1a_56wDSnMoHq&index=1" target="_blank">Sublime's self-titled album</a>, which came out in 1996. It was his CD, and later I bought a copy from Blockbuster. My dad took me. I didn't want the edited version from Wal-Mart, so I told my dad they didn't have any copies at Wal-Mart, since the CDs at Blockbuster were unedited. I still hate songs that have words blanked out, because it messes with the whole rhythm of the song. I went into the store, carried out my newly purchased CD in a plastic white and blue Blockbuster bag. As soon as I got home I put stickers over the part that said "Parental Advisory" so when my parents made their frequent checks through my music to weed out "immoral" music, they wouldn't throw it away. I'm not sure, but the CD might still be packed up and in the garage. <div>
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ugibxx4lx4Y/W29PHOe3C7I/AAAAAAAAVbo/-wuCFIcH3Q4ueEO3hA0QUIsj8weQRQoJwCLcBGAs/s1600/Sublime.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="1280" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ugibxx4lx4Y/W29PHOe3C7I/AAAAAAAAVbo/-wuCFIcH3Q4ueEO3hA0QUIsj8weQRQoJwCLcBGAs/s320/Sublime.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I don't know why I still listen to it. I like the music, though it never occurred to me that one song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLifSFBs_Lk" target="_blank">"Wrong Way"</a> on the album is actually about child prostitution, for years I'd sung the song without thinking about what it actually meant. So that one song I don't listen to anymore, though I listen to the rest of the album. The of the album actually makes me happy in a way.</div>
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I'm sure a lot of people would never want to listen to the album that was on while they were raped ever again. However, as hard as it is to explain, I felt like that was the only good thing that happened that day. It was my respite in the face of trauma. I listen to this album and feel like <i>I am a survivor.</i> I have survived what happened to me, and in the face of that trauma there was a safeness, a form of shelter from the awful things happening, and that was Sublime. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-73844036916164735712018-07-26T21:45:00.002-05:002018-08-11T15:20:03.777-05:00When The Lights Go Out<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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"When The Lights Go Out"</div>
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Inside there's a lump of charcoal<br />
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Throughout my bloodstream flow the ashy remains </div>
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Of the fire that once burned within me<br />
Dim lighting in a bright room</div>
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Enclosed in my beige-walled prison</div>
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My body traumatized by the attack of pain</div>
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My soul crumbles like dust</div>
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Thinking about hopes and dreams</div>
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Leaves me with a stack of bitter regrets</div>
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With the taste of rotted meat on my tongue<br />
I'm tired of smiling and laughing</div>
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Like myself, pieces of glass are shattered</div>
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This poem in no way is meant to glorify mental illness. I've struggled with mental illness for my entire life. If you are struggling, please know there is help out there. For many people, mental illness is best managed with medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes, like getting the right amount of nutrients and exercise. Complementary medicine also helps some people. Complementary medicine can be aromatherapy, light therapy, acupuncture, reflexology, meditation, biofeedback, massage therapy, among many other treatments available to people who may benefit from them. Unfortunately, complementary medicine is rarely covered by insurance.</div>
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If you are in crisis, text the Crisis Text Line to talk to trained counselors about what's on your mind. text "HOME” to 741741. It's free, available 24/7, and confidential.</div>
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If you feel like suicide, please know that <b>you are important</b>. Chat online at <a href="http://www.imalive.org/" target="_blank">http://www.imalive.org</a>.</div>
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The National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255 or go to <a href="https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/" target="_blank">https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/</a>.</div>
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Call 1-800-656-4673 or live chat with RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) if you need to talk. Visit <a href="http://rainn.org/" target="_blank">http://rainn.org</a> for a live chat.</div>
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I can vouch for the Text Crisis Text Line, as I've used it twice, and the RAINN chat online, as I've used it three times.</div>
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Suicide hotlines for other countries can be found <a href="http://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/2016/10/mental-health-awareness-week-resources.html" target="_blank">here</a>.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-80097401777237525702018-07-07T01:03:00.001-05:002018-07-19T04:03:20.438-05:00What anxiety feels like<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-85503518255032958662018-03-01T13:30:00.000-06:002018-03-01T13:30:01.485-06:00"melody," a poem<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This poem is about self-harm, something I've struggled with for 23 years (24 years in October 2018). I in <b><i><u>NO WAY</u></i></b> want to glamorize self-harm. It's a horrible thing I wish more than anything that I'd never started doing, and can lead to nerve damage, infection, permanent muscle damage, and even too much blood loss to the point of accidental death. Self-harm is caused by mental illness, but is an addictive behavior, similar to gambling addiction. For people who have self-harmed for many years the addiction is as bad as a heroin addiction. It has ruined so many aspects of my life, and destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence. I'm only posting this poem to help others realize what it feels like to feel the need to self-harm. I must stress, this is a poem about self-harm, and I don't recommend anyone who is triggered by self-harm to read it. I want people who don't understand what it's like to need to self-harm, especially people who have been self-harming for years. It's just a peek inside my head. This was written in June 2017.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bd6SSOteFr4/WoYu8Ox5OLI/AAAAAAAAVHM/CHB3giYF6z0YobI8KuJ4XarLGxb4qfJPgCLcBGAs/s1600/2018-15-02-18-54-18.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bd6SSOteFr4/WoYu8Ox5OLI/AAAAAAAAVHM/CHB3giYF6z0YobI8KuJ4XarLGxb4qfJPgCLcBGAs/s320/2018-15-02-18-54-18.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
“melody”<br />
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oh god i missed this<br />
endorphins surfing my brain waves<br />
my fingers red and sticky<br />
i pull at either side of the cut,<br />
eager to make more precious liquid come out<br />
right now i don’t care if i scar,<br />
or what a disgusting freak i am<br />
instead they whisper to me that they love me<br />
they lie and say i’m special and deserve<br />
more red badges of courage<br />
it’s the only time I feel with all of me,<br />
it’s the only time that peaceful melody plays<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3cwbf4QXrRo/WoYvAefOpEI/AAAAAAAAVHQ/EOM9F7EjiykVw1RppKClLHMvpdfODq_bwCLcBGAs/s1600/2018-15-02-18-59-45.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3cwbf4QXrRo/WoYvAefOpEI/AAAAAAAAVHQ/EOM9F7EjiykVw1RppKClLHMvpdfODq_bwCLcBGAs/s320/2018-15-02-18-59-45.jpeg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />If you feel like you're in crisis, please get help. Text the Crisis Text Line to talk to trained counselors about what's on your mind. text “HOME” to 741741 Free, 24/7, Confidential. If you feel suicidal, chat online at <a href="http://www.imalive.org/">http://www.imalive.org</a>. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255 or go to <a href="https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/">https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/</a>.<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-79767262935724636092018-02-15T19:07:00.001-06:002018-02-15T19:33:00.039-06:00“Blowflies,” A Poem<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I wrote this in June 2017 when I was very suicidal. I am no longer suicidal, but I wanted to share this poem. Please understand, this poem is about suicide, so if that's a trigger for you, you may need to stop reading here.<br />
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In no way do I mean to "glorify" or "romanticize" suicide. Suicide is a horrible thing. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for most of my life and have had two failed attempts. I'm so thankful I'm alive. I just want others to understand what it feels like to be suicidal or have suicidal ideation and what those that do have these thoughts that when you reach bottom the only way to go is up. Things get better!</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xbhMnSD4S_M/WoYuPobOuWI/AAAAAAAAVG4/WwiqeCIB6KMiZjFAnRLm14431AprGsK3ACLcBGAs/s1600/2018-15-02-18-46-24.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xbhMnSD4S_M/WoYuPobOuWI/AAAAAAAAVG4/WwiqeCIB6KMiZjFAnRLm14431AprGsK3ACLcBGAs/s320/2018-15-02-18-46-24.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><br />“Blowflies”</b><br />
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I know it’s just a matter of time<br />
Until they find my corpse<br />
Rigor mortis in a fetal position<br />
Covered in a bloody sheet<br />
Dried and stuck to my body<br />
I just hope I don’t rot first<br />
I fucking hate blowflies<br />
<br />
Amy B</div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cP6HQmMbUCg/WoYuT8bg14I/AAAAAAAAVHA/d329kBd9xLo37EdpzqI7-5ihd821g0xSACLcBGAs/s1600/2018-15-02-18-49-31.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cP6HQmMbUCg/WoYuT8bg14I/AAAAAAAAVHA/d329kBd9xLo37EdpzqI7-5ihd821g0xSACLcBGAs/s320/2018-15-02-18-49-31.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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If you feel suicidal, please get help. Text the Crisis Text Line to talk to trained counselors about what's on your mind. text “HOME” to 741741 Free, 24/7, Confidential. If you feel suicidal, chat online at http://www.imalive.org. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255 or go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-78259817029736225252018-01-01T13:00:00.000-06:002018-05-29T00:25:29.327-05:002017 Year In Review<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">January</span></u></b><br />
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January 1st, 2017 was the start to a new year, and an end to 2016, which was a horrible year for us. The year of 2017 was just as bad, if not worse. For New Year's Dinner we had lamb and roast potatoes. It was the first time I'd ever eaten lamb. I liked it, but only ate about a third of it. It tastes better than beef, I understand why lamb is so popular around the world. I was still in a <a href="http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-1-disorder#1">depressive episode</a> that began in December 2015. My mom's dog Lady passed away. She was a beautiful, sweet, loveable Boston Terrier that was my mom's baby. Donald J. Trump was sworn in for President and Mike Pence was sworn in as Vice-President. The last two days of the month I was in a pain flare.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-__VLOGdflvA/WTYnglRtaQI/AAAAAAAAUjU/TNgtOUUh0Eoa98mXqZXVPHlTGiVVx6qXwCLcB/s1600/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Me" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-__VLOGdflvA/WTYnglRtaQI/AAAAAAAAUjU/TNgtOUUh0Eoa98mXqZXVPHlTGiVVx6qXwCLcB/s320/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2B1.jpeg" title="Me" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Smirk</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LAxqL9QbsqA/WTYnxvfXWTI/AAAAAAAAUjY/aDw8NuSSSdAFPjwcPy93aQOgkGckMo1QQCLcB/s1600/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Lamb and roast potatoes" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LAxqL9QbsqA/WTYnxvfXWTI/AAAAAAAAUjY/aDw8NuSSSdAFPjwcPy93aQOgkGckMo1QQCLcB/s320/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2B2.jpeg" title="Lamb and roast potatoes" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Lamb and roast potatoes</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>February</u></b></span><br />
<br />
The first day of February was full of cramps and depression. I was still in the depressive episode in February. The second day of February was <a href="https://www.thoughtco.com/guide-to-celebrating-imbolc-2562102">Imbolc</a>, a religious holiday I celebrate. I had my first <a href="http://www.epilepsy.com/learn/types-seizures/focal-onset-impaired-awareness-seizures-aka-complex-partial-seizures">seizure</a> of the year on February fifth. I had a <a href="http://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/p/pots.html">POTS</a> flare, and there was a <a href="https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/lunar/2017-february-11">lunar eclipse on the 10th and 11th</a>. I had a five day pain flare, and there was a <a href="https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/solar/2017-february-26">solar eclipse on the 26th</a>. Daddy had a birthday and turned 63. Toward the end of the month I struggled with <a href="https://www.verywell.com/what-is-paranoia-378960">paranoia</a> and <a href="https://www.verywell.com/bipolar-psychosis-symptoms-379872">psychosis</a>.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZcXhdY7_iUg/WTjxgMZSpfI/AAAAAAAAUj0/0DfIx6g6qIwHlzPhoaLLzHdvx_6-PdsmACLcB/s1600/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Wearing a headband from my friend LP" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZcXhdY7_iUg/WTjxgMZSpfI/AAAAAAAAUj0/0DfIx6g6qIwHlzPhoaLLzHdvx_6-PdsmACLcB/s320/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2B1.jpeg" title="Wearing a headband from my friend LP" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Wearing a headband from my friend LP</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RS7FCos77f4/WTjxhriqnmI/AAAAAAAAUj4/48qioRdsMLEB8eisOXP45QgksLHUwNLqgCLcB/s1600/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="A petal that fell off the Valentine's Day rose DH got me" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RS7FCos77f4/WTjxhriqnmI/AAAAAAAAUj4/48qioRdsMLEB8eisOXP45QgksLHUwNLqgCLcB/s320/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2B2.jpeg" title="A petal that fell off the Valentine's Day rose DH got me" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">A petal that fell off the <a href="http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/history-of-valentines-day">Valentine's Day</a> rose DH got me</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>March</u></b></span><br />
<br />
My depressive episode was still sticking around in March. I started the first three days of the month in a pain flare. I had two more pain flares, and four POTS flares. It was a very rough month financially. The 30th was <a href="http://www.worldbipolarday.org/">World Bipolar Day</a>, and March was <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/terezia-farkas/self-injury-awareness-month_b_6810634.html">Self-Harm Awareness Month</a>. Doing my adult coloring books and printouts I made of coloring book pages for anxiety relief on the days my hand pain wasn't too bad. I also celebrated <a href="https://www.thoughtco.com/all-about-ostara-the-spring-equinox-2562471">Ostara</a>.<br />
<div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gFdTJoxfRKg/WTjxpmyj9FI/AAAAAAAAUj8/oQ5D5rFUNxY38l9q_1vLalqnEOqKTOu2QCLcB/s1600/03%2B-%2BMarch%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="In my favorite Woodstock tie-dye T-shirt" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gFdTJoxfRKg/WTjxpmyj9FI/AAAAAAAAUj8/oQ5D5rFUNxY38l9q_1vLalqnEOqKTOu2QCLcB/s320/03%2B-%2BMarch%2B1.jpeg" title="In my favorite Woodstock tie-dye T-shirt" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">In my favorite Woodstock tie-dye T-shirt</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MC1ynzPeJGU/WTjxq9mMqtI/AAAAAAAAUkA/hvpPGrvCzvQYHz9XHYEkzfbQDg9YbCK0gCLcB/s1600/03%2B-%2BMarch%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Katya and Niki sleeping in a box" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MC1ynzPeJGU/WTjxq9mMqtI/AAAAAAAAUkA/hvpPGrvCzvQYHz9XHYEkzfbQDg9YbCK0gCLcB/s320/03%2B-%2BMarch%2B2.jpeg" title="Katya and Niki sleeping in a box" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Katya and Niki sleeping in a box</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>April</u></b></span><br />
<br />
April brought two pain flares and the end of that depressive episode. By the end of the month I started another depressive episode. Things got much worse financially. My <a href="http://www.psychguides.com/guides/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-symptoms-causes-and-effects/">OCD symptoms</a> started coming back more. April was<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_Assault_Awareness_Month"> Sexual Assault Awareness Month</a>. I celebrated <a href="http://www.catholic.org/lent/holyweek.php">Easter</a> with chocolate.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XC7D0MWcaEM/WTjyILIMG7I/AAAAAAAAUkE/SGxctSVShU0FTsL3otWR71DKPkOjs-upACLcB/s1600/04%2B-%2BApril%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Me. Hello!" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XC7D0MWcaEM/WTjyILIMG7I/AAAAAAAAUkE/SGxctSVShU0FTsL3otWR71DKPkOjs-upACLcB/s320/04%2B-%2BApril%2B1.jpeg" title="Me. Hello!" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Hello!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VHnOf-xrM-o/WTjyIyH-1HI/AAAAAAAAUkI/jyCMIg-mi14ydo56JasOH_oIwwbIeUCUACLcB/s1600/04%2B-%2BApril%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="DH giving kisses to Katya behind my head" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VHnOf-xrM-o/WTjyIyH-1HI/AAAAAAAAUkI/jyCMIg-mi14ydo56JasOH_oIwwbIeUCUACLcB/s320/04%2B-%2BApril%2B2.jpeg" title="DH giving kisses to Katya behind my head" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">DH giving kisses to Katya behind my head</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>May</u></b></span><br />
<br />
May first was both <a href="https://www.thoughtco.com/guide-to-the-beltane-celebration-2561640">Beltane</a> and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Workers%27_Day">International Workers' Day</a>. I wore green glitter on<a href="http://thegeekiverse.com/index.php/2017/05/03/may-the-4th-glitter-for-carrie/"> Star Wars Day, May the 5th, for Carrie</a> Fisher. I chose green because green is the color for both mental health awareness and bipolar awareness. May was <a href="https://ehlers-danlos.com/may-ehlers-danlos-awareness-month/">Ehlers-Danlos syndromes Awareness Month</a> and <a href="https://www.nami.org/mentalhealthmonth">Mental Health Awareness Month</a>. I was still in a depressive episode. I cried all day on <a href="https://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/us/mothers-day">Mother's Day</a> because I was scared I'll never be a Mommy. The 12th of May was <a href="https://fibromyalgianewstoday.com/2017/05/08/international-fibromyalgia-awareness-day-may-12-spread-the-word/">Fibromyalgia Awareness Day</a>. I think it deserves a month long awareness campaign, not just one day a year. I ended the month starting a <a href="https://medlineplus.gov/temporomandibularjointdysfunction.html">TMJ Dysfunction</a> flare that lasted in to June, for a total of eleven days. I couldn't eat solid food and lived off of chocolate malt shakes because I couldn't chew and had a hard time getting enough calories without chewing. Stress was high because of our health and finances. OCD symptoms continue to appear here and there.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c4EUpLfkuL8/WTjySkNoFgI/AAAAAAAAUkM/CeCBGuM3NL8TVcB2wZ0Zxk0OUuwM5xVTgCLcB/s1600/05%2B-%2BMay%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Wearing glitter for Carrie Fisher on May the 5th, Star Wars Day" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c4EUpLfkuL8/WTjySkNoFgI/AAAAAAAAUkM/CeCBGuM3NL8TVcB2wZ0Zxk0OUuwM5xVTgCLcB/s320/05%2B-%2BMay%2B1.jpeg" title="Wearing glitter for Carrie Fisher on May the 5th, Star Wars Day" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Wearing <a href="http://thegeekiverse.com/index.php/2017/05/03/may-the-4th-glitter-for-carrie/">glitter for Carrie</a> Fisher on May the 5th, Star Wars Day</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_uwADrfznEo/WTjyS_o8McI/AAAAAAAAUkQ/43K3d3ALXGgruaKwdgGYrVM65QdgZYa2wCLcB/s1600/05%2B-%2BMay%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="My red puppy dog scarf with pugs on it" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_uwADrfznEo/WTjyS_o8McI/AAAAAAAAUkQ/43K3d3ALXGgruaKwdgGYrVM65QdgZYa2wCLcB/s320/05%2B-%2BMay%2B2.jpeg" title="My red puppy dog scarf with pugs on it" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">My red puppy dog scarf with pugs on it</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">June</span></u></b><br />
<br />
National Pen Pal Day was June 1st. I planned on sending cards to m pen pals, but I've been horrible lately, and haven't got many pen pal letters out in 2017. Of course, since my moods are massively out of control it makes it hard. I realize I get irresponsible when I'm having a bipolar episode. I turned 36 and within a month my hair went gray around my face. My birthday was on the one year anniversary of the shooting at <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orlando_nightclub_shooting">Pulse</a>. My birthday was also the World Day Against Child Labor and National Peanut Butter Cookie Day. I didn't get a peanut butter cookie on my birthday, though. I also got a new therapist, which is always a hard thing to do.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4xDzYXqbNzg/WhukJCHgSCI/AAAAAAAAU0c/jAdBWqib7zgGV6iM_0HLB8o4D7d1DzP9gCLcBGAs/s1600/06%2B-%2BJune%2B1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Just me" border="0" data-original-height="938" data-original-width="1273" height="235" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4xDzYXqbNzg/WhukJCHgSCI/AAAAAAAAU0c/jAdBWqib7zgGV6iM_0HLB8o4D7d1DzP9gCLcBGAs/s320/06%2B-%2BJune%2B1.png" title="Just me" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just me</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GJoB5ghshN8/WhukKhdwKxI/AAAAAAAAU0g/IYNKUdEzGg8TOTVN8DsxetT3yJ3uVEC0gCLcBGAs/s1600/06%2B-%2BJune%2B2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Niki and Katya cuddling" border="0" data-original-height="937" data-original-width="1255" height="238" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GJoB5ghshN8/WhukKhdwKxI/AAAAAAAAU0g/IYNKUdEzGg8TOTVN8DsxetT3yJ3uVEC0gCLcBGAs/s320/06%2B-%2BJune%2B2.png" title="Niki and Katya cuddling" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Niki and Katya cuddling</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span id="goog_521349332"></span><span id="goog_521349333"></span><br />
<br />
<b style="font-size: x-large;"><u>July</u></b><br />
<br />
In mid-July my depressive episode ended. DH had a back injury helping a friend. I had a POTS flare and a pain flare. I continued seeing my therapist and I was starting to feel she might be someone I could trust. I decided that I could use a zebra hardcover notebook to keep therapy notes I take during therapy and home. It made it a lot easier to keep track of what I'm learning in therapy and how far I've come.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-g0bLlS_Iy_s/Whulj-JSFDI/AAAAAAAAU0w/q_D04Clu3509AFdRtuBJbp6ubnQk7Dj4wCLcBGAs/s1600/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="I remind myself everyday that I'm AL;VE" border="0" data-original-height="932" data-original-width="1266" height="235" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-g0bLlS_Iy_s/Whulj-JSFDI/AAAAAAAAU0w/q_D04Clu3509AFdRtuBJbp6ubnQk7Dj4wCLcBGAs/s320/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B1.png" title="I remind myself everyday that I'm AL;VE" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I remind myself every day that I'm <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Semicolon">AL;VE</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CC1vyFtOqz4/Whulj-WiclI/AAAAAAAAU0s/e297tMB9gNI5kZTLplwo0eQQoSl9HcyvACLcBGAs/s1600/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Me" border="0" data-original-height="921" data-original-width="1240" height="237" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CC1vyFtOqz4/Whulj-WiclI/AAAAAAAAU0s/e297tMB9gNI5kZTLplwo0eQQoSl9HcyvACLcBGAs/s320/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B2.png" title="Me" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">August</span></u></b><br />
<br />
In August we celebrated <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lughnasadh">Lammas/Lughnasadh</a>, a holiday in my religion that marks the beginning of the harvest season. I saw the Full Solar Eclipse on August 21st. I had two tonic-clonic seizures in my therapist's office late in the month. My cousin mailed me some of her homemade soap to try and I loved it. She is the only cousin I am in contact with.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MuIYo29l8Vs/Whul3Mk7D5I/AAAAAAAAU00/OoOqAlPuc1gkf7zCI_uIC4_XSmFQh3NGACLcBGAs/s1600/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Us" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MuIYo29l8Vs/Whul3Mk7D5I/AAAAAAAAU00/OoOqAlPuc1gkf7zCI_uIC4_XSmFQh3NGACLcBGAs/s320/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B1.jpeg" title="Us" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Us</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s5aTg67YgYQ/Whul3xOFlYI/AAAAAAAAU08/sAmqz2EOczgJx7fXPVX4gqBP2QUhX8WQwCLcBGAs/s1600/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Making faces after a shower" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s5aTg67YgYQ/Whul3xOFlYI/AAAAAAAAU08/sAmqz2EOczgJx7fXPVX4gqBP2QUhX8WQwCLcBGAs/s320/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B2.jpeg" title="Making faces after a shower" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Making faces after a shower</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>September</u></b></span><br />
<br />
I entered another depressive episode and started out the month of September very suicidal. I started talking to my best friend and chosen sister again, after not doing so for a long time. I was so happy to have her back in my life as she is my very best friend. Mid-September I came close to attempting suicide, scrawling on myself "Ashes Don't Have Debts." I had a horrid time with self-injury. I ended the month of September with an episode of psychoisis.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2Qwt8t06eQc/WhumPTqm0uI/AAAAAAAAU1I/E2Eu6EneLYMqhdmQCebD_8lIglri3GrGwCLcBGAs/s1600/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Pain and depression" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2Qwt8t06eQc/WhumPTqm0uI/AAAAAAAAU1I/E2Eu6EneLYMqhdmQCebD_8lIglri3GrGwCLcBGAs/s320/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B1.JPG" title="Pain and depression" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pain and depression</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-urOpc3beo3E/WhumNXaJ-YI/AAAAAAAAU1E/ZfRdsF2LTXUJdBawprB1_R0lpJoPwrMBgCLcBGAs/s1600/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Pain and depression" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-urOpc3beo3E/WhumNXaJ-YI/AAAAAAAAU1E/ZfRdsF2LTXUJdBawprB1_R0lpJoPwrMBgCLcBGAs/s320/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B2.JPG" title="Pain and depression" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pain and depression</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>October</u></b></span><br />
<br />
I began October with a TMJ flare. My bipolar psychosis was very bad most of the month. I got a mild cold, but recovered fairly quickly. Jim and I celebrated Samhain together on the 31st.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dNXC5P_DJEE/WhumrTBll1I/AAAAAAAAU1M/LSYzIE1Q3iUn6G46Csq-YvILX82jUdVQgCLcBGAs/s1600/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="The view from my front porch" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dNXC5P_DJEE/WhumrTBll1I/AAAAAAAAU1M/LSYzIE1Q3iUn6G46Csq-YvILX82jUdVQgCLcBGAs/s320/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B1.JPG" title="The view from my front porch" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The view from my front porch</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s5B9SBAdeGE/WhumsKxhxHI/AAAAAAAAU1U/K5eAkYXE-Y4fOAFz5ECSo8mrt4Lu0ax2wCLcBGAs/s1600/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Halloween night" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s5B9SBAdeGE/WhumsKxhxHI/AAAAAAAAU1U/K5eAkYXE-Y4fOAFz5ECSo8mrt4Lu0ax2wCLcBGAs/s320/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B2.JPG" title="Halloween night" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Halloween night</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">November</span></u></b><br />
<br />
My depressive episode ended mid-November. I entered a mixed episode late November. I started exercising again. I saw my parents for Thanksgiving and had a seizure at the Thanksgiving table, which made me feel really guilty.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-X782PKCSKzY/Whunumw8w5I/AAAAAAAAU1k/xO6OQ_YF_PwwFrL_4wqJXX8B1XOMSY7EACLcBGAs/s1600/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="A Catholic Cathedral in mid-Missouri" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-X782PKCSKzY/Whunumw8w5I/AAAAAAAAU1k/xO6OQ_YF_PwwFrL_4wqJXX8B1XOMSY7EACLcBGAs/s320/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B1.JPG" title="A Catholic Cathedral in mid-Missouri" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Catholic Cathedral in mid-Missouri</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-15PcaEIyx-o/Whunue6aB8I/AAAAAAAAU1g/bZdyHfTWLfgR7mj9hzhfaz_9dSaFWK1OACLcBGAs/s1600/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="The Missouri State Capital Building in Jefferson City" border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-15PcaEIyx-o/Whunue6aB8I/AAAAAAAAU1g/bZdyHfTWLfgR7mj9hzhfaz_9dSaFWK1OACLcBGAs/s320/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B2.JPG" title="The Missouri State Capital Building in Jefferson City" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Missouri State Capital Building in Jefferson City</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><u>December</u></span></b><br />
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<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">
In mid-December my mixed episode ended, and I was able to celebrate Christmas without depression or mania. We changed cable companies, but we had already exchanged gifts with my parents at Thanksgiving, so it felt weird not having theirs to open on Christmas morning. I was happy with my present from Jim, a smart phone.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I4bALp8oUfM/Wk8oOYI0DdI/AAAAAAAAVD4/7cRV_moIz0Q-LkpPJ7Bumj91qUw4bF5HQCLcBGAs/s1600/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I4bALp8oUfM/Wk8oOYI0DdI/AAAAAAAAVD4/7cRV_moIz0Q-LkpPJ7Bumj91qUw4bF5HQCLcBGAs/s320/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B1.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ao9ZZn5LFLg/Wk8oPprzCtI/AAAAAAAAVD8/C7Rl6jtZB0Y9aQhzT5EirvvDAIBclP8VwCLcBGAs/s1600/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ao9ZZn5LFLg/Wk8oPprzCtI/AAAAAAAAVD8/C7Rl6jtZB0Y9aQhzT5EirvvDAIBclP8VwCLcBGAs/s320/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-25416762696827443622017-11-28T13:31:00.000-06:002017-12-10T16:53:19.725-06:00The Five Best Charities To Give To On #GivingTuesday <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pENrtx3kuF8/Wh2NdbXqKQI/AAAAAAAAU2Q/zz5E-WfUxC4yjK0mfZATFciEifrL2kYKgCLcBGAs/s1600/giving-tuesday-logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="217" data-original-width="393" height="176" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pENrtx3kuF8/Wh2NdbXqKQI/AAAAAAAAU2Q/zz5E-WfUxC4yjK0mfZATFciEifrL2kYKgCLcBGAs/s320/giving-tuesday-logo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Giving Tuesday is a wonderful idea. Here in the United States, last Thursday was Thanksgiving, a day where we count our blessings, gather to eat a large meal with family, and spend time being thankful for the things in our lives we may not usually give time to be thankful for. I found that this Thanksgiving I was thankful for not ending up in the psychiatric hospital since 2004, our kitties, my DH, my parents, running water, a roof over my head, food, my Medicare, and my many books. Giving Tuesday was started in 2012, and you'll find many different places, from Facebook to potentially your employer will match your donations on Giving Tuesday.<br />
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1. <b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.nami.org/">National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)</a></span></b><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v2QNk6iXUvc/Wh2Ndd8zp0I/AAAAAAAAU2U/gDdJ_5dshJ8_9rEYIr2QHkI7FMlJbgPDgCEwYBhgL/s1600/nami-logo-blue.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="468" data-original-width="1222" height="122" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v2QNk6iXUvc/Wh2Ndd8zp0I/AAAAAAAAU2U/gDdJ_5dshJ8_9rEYIr2QHkI7FMlJbgPDgCEwYBhgL/s320/nami-logo-blue.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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NAMI saved my life, and I will be forever grateful for it. Learning about mental illnesses, not just me, but my family too, helped save my life. I found out I am one in many, not just some freak of nature. I found out that I can be successful in life with a mental illness, and there are different definitions of success. Volunteering at NAMI for years gave me not only a voice with my legislators and with the community, but it also gave me a purpose. I highly recommend NAMI as a charity to give to. On Charity Navigator rates NAMI three out of four stars.<br />
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2. <b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.bbrfoundation.org/">Brain & Behavior Research Foundation</a></span></b><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rMMJh2IllME/Wh2Ndek_yNI/AAAAAAAAU2M/EMzQBKfA1c4rZPJaHd_eXqfioEiSd-NcQCEwYBhgL/s1600/Brain_Behavior_Research_Foundation_logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="220" data-original-width="453" height="155" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rMMJh2IllME/Wh2Ndek_yNI/AAAAAAAAU2M/EMzQBKfA1c4rZPJaHd_eXqfioEiSd-NcQCEwYBhgL/s320/Brain_Behavior_Research_Foundation_logo.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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Brain & Behavior Research Foundation is a charity I've only recently learned about. They do actual research to cure mental illness. Of all my medical conditions, my Bipolar Disorder Type 1 is the most disabling. A cure for bipolar couldn't be more exciting. The Brain & Behavior Research Foundation is awarded four out of four stars on Charity Navigator.<br />
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3. <b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/">The Ehlers-Danlos Society</a></span></b><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ShxeTle_muA/Wh2Oq14d9mI/AAAAAAAAU2k/FupWbDU-AKwFedciH-IQdoRPv98yxvsRACLcBGAs/s1600/The%2BEhlers-Danlos%2BSociety.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="630" data-original-width="1200" height="168" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ShxeTle_muA/Wh2Oq14d9mI/AAAAAAAAU2k/FupWbDU-AKwFedciH-IQdoRPv98yxvsRACLcBGAs/s320/The%2BEhlers-Danlos%2BSociety.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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The Ehlers-Danlos Society, formerly the Ehlers-Danlos National Foundation (EDNF) is controversial in the EDS community. They were a big part of changing the definitions of every type of EDS, and took away a lot of people's diagnosis that have hypermobility type EDS and replaced it with Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder (HSD). HSD will not be taken as seriously, as you can have HSD if you have <i>only one hypermobile joint</i>. So, it will be easy for doctors to dismiss anyone with the HSD diagnosis, even though there are different levels of HSD. It's just not ever going to be taken as seriously as EDS. I absolutely do not support these changes. Now you're probably wondering why I included them on this list. The reason is simple, they fund a lot of EDS research and actively work for EDS awareness. I'm not sure if they research the so called "Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder," though, when they say they're researching EDS. So give to this charity with caution. Charity Navigator doesn't have information on The Ehlers-Danlos Society or EDNF.<br />
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4. <b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.ehlersdanlosnetwork.org/">Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Network C.A.R.E.S. Inc.</a></span></b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-inmeSBwrPFY/Wh2PGY5VIYI/AAAAAAAAU2o/Kkb4GBlXUDgivdkFv5keAe61wlD7uBVqACLcBGAs/s1600/EDS%2BNetwork%2BCARES.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="150" data-original-width="480" height="100" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-inmeSBwrPFY/Wh2PGY5VIYI/AAAAAAAAU2o/Kkb4GBlXUDgivdkFv5keAe61wlD7uBVqACLcBGAs/s320/EDS%2BNetwork%2BCARES.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I support EDS Network CARES because they spread awareness about EDS and fund research on EDS. It was started by a woman who lost both her husband and son from vascular EDS. As far as I know, EDS Network CARES wasn't involved in the reclassifications of EDS. Again, I am very much against these reclassifications of diagnosis. Charity Navigator doesn't have a<br />
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<div style="text-align: left;">
5. <b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.stjude.org/">St. Jude's Research Hospital</a></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-u6M3OjiEreo/Wi26yhCcx0I/AAAAAAAAVBc/9Zq3kSn7Ij4Yw8jMylXNfJBJIS3HN55DACLcBGAs/s1600/t3vUmusF.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="341" data-original-width="342" height="319" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-u6M3OjiEreo/Wi26yhCcx0I/AAAAAAAAVBc/9Zq3kSn7Ij4Yw8jMylXNfJBJIS3HN55DACLcBGAs/s320/t3vUmusF.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I think St. Jude's Research Hospital. They treat any child with cancer, and never charge a dime. They've come under fire for how much they spend on advertisement, yet with the amount of money they take in with their advertisement I think it's worth it. Charity Navigator gives St. Jude's three out of four stars.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-77016917446087297502017-10-07T13:30:00.000-05:002018-07-19T04:03:38.959-05:00Hello y'all! An Introduction Video<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This is my first video I've made in quite awhile, and the first blog post I've made in quite awhile as well. I plan on making more of both, but thought I'd share the video here. Thanks for watching!<br />
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<i>Hello! Thank you for watching my video. This is an introduction about myself. I deal with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Fibromyalgia, Bipolar 1, and anxiety, among other things. I'm 36 years old, a kittymommy, and my goal in making videos on these health conditions is both to educate the public and to help people who have these conditions to be able to get the correct diagnosis from their healthcare professional. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and don't forget to like and subscribe!</i></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-90932599728419088372016-12-31T20:28:00.000-06:002016-12-31T20:28:41.996-06:002016 Year In Review in Photos<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">January</span></u></b><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rlCgOaEtInM/V_rxV-08XYI/AAAAAAAAUGc/pW0Ggtgk2KEP7R6SiVVDJoDnMsejZnzUgCLcB/s1600/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2BAdult%2BColoring%2BBook%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rlCgOaEtInM/V_rxV-08XYI/AAAAAAAAUGc/pW0Ggtgk2KEP7R6SiVVDJoDnMsejZnzUgCLcB/s320/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2BAdult%2BColoring%2BBook%2B2.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From my coloring book I got for Christmas from fellow zebra RH. (You can get it <a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Zen-Doodle-Coloring-Book-Relieve/dp/1440342822">here</a>.)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xf12OIHghEQ/V_rxWk9WqyI/AAAAAAAAUGg/Ajrka3m9s-4VRw4m53ZtLyL6yL_V-PwwQCLcB/s1600/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2BBlue%2BScarf%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xf12OIHghEQ/V_rxWk9WqyI/AAAAAAAAUGg/Ajrka3m9s-4VRw4m53ZtLyL6yL_V-PwwQCLcB/s320/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2BBlue%2BScarf%2B2.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In one of my favorite pashminas and my rose quartz and amethyst necklace</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MlUmkxQw9AI/WBf73waytbI/AAAAAAAAULw/_nB5bIrjEnYUepMjL2c1XGiN7-Sk5EXQQCLcB/s1600/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2BKatya%2B%25282%2529.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Katya all stretched out" border="0" height="179" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MlUmkxQw9AI/WBf73waytbI/AAAAAAAAULw/_nB5bIrjEnYUepMjL2c1XGiN7-Sk5EXQQCLcB/s320/01%2B-%2BJanuary%2BKatya%2B%25282%2529.jpeg" title="Katya all stretched out" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Katya all stretched out</td></tr>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">February</span></u></b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xlVMo0_OWxw/V_rxu6N5uJI/AAAAAAAAUGo/mpUG60juiBw57Xl9ejQ_aOwxi1WJ-ZvpwCLcB/s1600/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2BJim%2Band%2BAmy%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xlVMo0_OWxw/V_rxu6N5uJI/AAAAAAAAUGo/mpUG60juiBw57Xl9ejQ_aOwxi1WJ-ZvpwCLcB/s320/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2BJim%2Band%2BAmy%2B2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DH and I</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-q6GyqvC02Vw/V_rxulVDgVI/AAAAAAAAUGk/VgM7y1VhjJ4KLOq3J4QCj-r76yt5RSlgACLcB/s1600/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2BValentines%2BDay%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-q6GyqvC02Vw/V_rxulVDgVI/AAAAAAAAUGk/VgM7y1VhjJ4KLOq3J4QCj-r76yt5RSlgACLcB/s320/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2BValentines%2BDay%2B2.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Valentine's Day</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dN1sCE1spYQ/WBf8E7kM27I/AAAAAAAAUL0/o4p6oFGN7roIBH6mXyd882xcIK3q8vEXwCLcB/s1600/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2BJim%2Band%2BNiki.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Two of my loves: DH and Niki" border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dN1sCE1spYQ/WBf8E7kM27I/AAAAAAAAUL0/o4p6oFGN7roIBH6mXyd882xcIK3q8vEXwCLcB/s320/02%2B-%2BFebruary%2BJim%2Band%2BNiki.jpeg" title="Two of my loves: DH and Niki" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two of my loves: DH and Niki</td></tr>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">March</span></u></b><b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5lvJRDvhcv8/V_rykapDduI/AAAAAAAAUG4/aVdzvLfTt28z_YLORAYHYs9rrjr6Q8eYACLcB/s1600/03%2B-%2BMarch%2BBunny%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5lvJRDvhcv8/V_rykapDduI/AAAAAAAAUG4/aVdzvLfTt28z_YLORAYHYs9rrjr6Q8eYACLcB/s320/03%2B-%2BMarch%2BBunny%2B2.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Spring decorations</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GrYJY-QezSo/V_ryekC9yrI/AAAAAAAAUG0/izH4GifUOKM4zKSd0PoYGKo3mFjOb-mkwCLcB/s1600/03%2B-%2BMarch%2BPink%2BScarf%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GrYJY-QezSo/V_ryekC9yrI/AAAAAAAAUG0/izH4GifUOKM4zKSd0PoYGKo3mFjOb-mkwCLcB/s320/03%2B-%2BMarch%2BPink%2BScarf%2B2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This shirt is huge on me, but the colors look great with this scarf!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-naA-LaG3n5U/WBf-DZMyNdI/AAAAAAAAUMA/R4FjJiGph9IjmUBlCLYFSzJtQTWkDkO4ACLcB/s1600/03%2B-%2BMarch%2BCardinals%2BHat.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="In my St. Louis Cardinals hat that makes me think of my Grandp" border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-naA-LaG3n5U/WBf-DZMyNdI/AAAAAAAAUMA/R4FjJiGph9IjmUBlCLYFSzJtQTWkDkO4ACLcB/s320/03%2B-%2BMarch%2BCardinals%2BHat.jpeg" title="In my St. Louis Cardinals hat that makes me think of my Grandp" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In my St. Louis Cardinals hat that makes me think of my <a href="http://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/2016/07/a-letter-to-my-grandpa-on-this-hot.html">Grandpa</a></td></tr>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">April</span></u></b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ut3KuuOHxaQ/V_wPxRVESUI/AAAAAAAAUHY/1csX7ekGf5w5vupAgTJX5DrebuM_fNR9QCLcB/s1600/04%2B-%2BApril%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ut3KuuOHxaQ/V_wPxRVESUI/AAAAAAAAUHY/1csX7ekGf5w5vupAgTJX5DrebuM_fNR9QCLcB/s320/04%2B-%2BApril%2B1.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Smile...whether you're happy or not!</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dcNyIBIqfxs/V_wPTkQbgGI/AAAAAAAAUHU/21Mawmyn280ejUaAuP2dxqadeRNarG9sACLcB/s1600/04%2B-%2BApril%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dcNyIBIqfxs/V_wPTkQbgGI/AAAAAAAAUHU/21Mawmyn280ejUaAuP2dxqadeRNarG9sACLcB/s320/04%2B-%2BApril%2B2.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wearing my favorite shirt and my St. Anne medal</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j1fs0w81AOw/WBf_Ermo6wI/AAAAAAAAUMI/9GwI-lXUpk4HMhaJkCE6fk5HvX8s3r2KwCLcB/s1600/04%2B-%2BApril%2B3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="I got my first black eye when I fell after being on Depakote and turning into a zombie" border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j1fs0w81AOw/WBf_Ermo6wI/AAAAAAAAUMI/9GwI-lXUpk4HMhaJkCE6fk5HvX8s3r2KwCLcB/s320/04%2B-%2BApril%2B3.jpeg" title="I got my first black eye when I fell after being on Depakote and turning into a zombie" width="301" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I got my first black eye when I fell after <a href="http://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/2016/05/depakote-one-full-month.html">being on Depakote and turning into a zombie</a></td></tr>
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<a href="http://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/2016/05/depakote-one-full-month.html"></a>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">May</span></u></b><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wlmI3_PIdPI/V_wP6R-u1AI/AAAAAAAAUHc/8Za0ZYTa4lUJnyNkNiIktyG2qkqDJQhNQCLcB/s1600/05%2B-%2BMay%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wlmI3_PIdPI/V_wP6R-u1AI/AAAAAAAAUHc/8Za0ZYTa4lUJnyNkNiIktyG2qkqDJQhNQCLcB/s320/05%2B-%2BMay%2B1.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">Niki on a box </span></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oh9uw3aApbs/V_wP6sze0nI/AAAAAAAAUHg/hUdAm_EcaPMCuhvgB3Swm2ZChHu_Bv3WwCLcB/s1600/05%2B-%2BMay%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oh9uw3aApbs/V_wP6sze0nI/AAAAAAAAUHg/hUdAm_EcaPMCuhvgB3Swm2ZChHu_Bv3WwCLcB/s320/05%2B-%2BMay%2B2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Katya on her new scratchpad</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4K32AO6O-1g/WBgAzKnFq-I/AAAAAAAAUMU/Gz8-qAP5KowPSyXY-4iPgWA-BZQpBz7xgCLcB/s1600/05%2B-%2BMay%2B3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="A picture of my mom's dog, my "sister," wishing me to feel better soon with my depression" border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4K32AO6O-1g/WBgAzKnFq-I/AAAAAAAAUMU/Gz8-qAP5KowPSyXY-4iPgWA-BZQpBz7xgCLcB/s320/05%2B-%2BMay%2B3.jpeg" title="A picture of my mom's dog, my "sister," wishing me to feel better soon with my depression" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A picture of my mom's dog, my "sister," wishing me to feel better soon with my <a href="http://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/2013/10/depression-screening-quiz.html">depression</a></td></tr>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">June</span></u></b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6lCorR2z5pg/V_wQD8G74TI/AAAAAAAAUHk/FGXRC1-NWd4el3SG668BD7PfyygnDDCfgCLcB/s1600/06%2B-%2BJune%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6lCorR2z5pg/V_wQD8G74TI/AAAAAAAAUHk/FGXRC1-NWd4el3SG668BD7PfyygnDDCfgCLcB/s320/06%2B-%2BJune%2B1.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So depressed it's almost impossible to smile</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fxd4tfTmnuA/V_wQEQEfqxI/AAAAAAAAUHo/GIW-a6BDEFcyMhZ_rJy1H_2yncexKYeYQCLcB/s1600/06%2B-%2BJune%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fxd4tfTmnuA/V_wQEQEfqxI/AAAAAAAAUHo/GIW-a6BDEFcyMhZ_rJy1H_2yncexKYeYQCLcB/s320/06%2B-%2BJune%2B2.jpeg" width="207" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DH</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_FoFq4T7ZfM/WBgCR4bNXfI/AAAAAAAAUMk/EFPRX9RGZY4v14CR7oZLj29_Vw5TvyxaACLcB/s1600/06%2B-%2BJune%2B3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="My birthday presents from Mama and Daddy" border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_FoFq4T7ZfM/WBgCR4bNXfI/AAAAAAAAUMk/EFPRX9RGZY4v14CR7oZLj29_Vw5TvyxaACLcB/s320/06%2B-%2BJune%2B3.jpeg" title="My birthday presents from Mama and Daddy" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My birthday presents from Mama and Daddy</td></tr>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">July</span></u></b><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VzEw0savvmw/V_wQPI2ER3I/AAAAAAAAUHs/HqZ-zOcSA5QSCdAAEUF17x-FrCd4RxMzwCLcB/s1600/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VzEw0savvmw/V_wQPI2ER3I/AAAAAAAAUHs/HqZ-zOcSA5QSCdAAEUF17x-FrCd4RxMzwCLcB/s320/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B1.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wearing my <a href="http://www.ibtimes.com/what-does-always-mean-harry-potter-jk-rowling-reveals-what-she-told-severus-snape-2270077">Always Harry Potter</a> necklace.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ATqECF8FoAM/V_wQPnNX0oI/AAAAAAAAUHw/OuDw04ZHHtASKOXP25tSRTHZLiXklstEgCLcB/s1600/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ATqECF8FoAM/V_wQPnNX0oI/AAAAAAAAUHw/OuDw04ZHHtASKOXP25tSRTHZLiXklstEgCLcB/s320/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I gave the cats two small pots oat grass, and they ate it down then played with the pots, spilling soil everywhere</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--iLhth97GhI/WBgDFuc4RHI/AAAAAAAAUMo/fmlxR32ByEgtpUrZkpEJro8agUP6UUmhgCLcB/s1600/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Fresh from the shower!" border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--iLhth97GhI/WBgDFuc4RHI/AAAAAAAAUMo/fmlxR32ByEgtpUrZkpEJro8agUP6UUmhgCLcB/s320/07%2B-%2BJuly%2B3.jpeg" title="Fresh from the shower!" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fresh from the shower!</td></tr>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">August</span></u></b><br />
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C9gxBLcTOjk/V_wQZYAJLZI/AAAAAAAAUH4/9Z6u6M4hWe84wW4ZUJ4IArOMfhZLHh4gACLcB/s1600/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C9gxBLcTOjk/V_wQZYAJLZI/AAAAAAAAUH4/9Z6u6M4hWe84wW4ZUJ4IArOMfhZLHh4gACLcB/s320/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B1.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Katya sleeping</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CJKZKlUffRc/V_wQYtaS4aI/AAAAAAAAUH0/s2rEQKUYmyQcyS86ETkaVuciOgZReS42gCLcB/s1600/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CJKZKlUffRc/V_wQYtaS4aI/AAAAAAAAUH0/s2rEQKUYmyQcyS86ETkaVuciOgZReS42gCLcB/s320/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wearing one of my favorite bandannas</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PpFxL46x_VQ/WBgEBDXhMpI/AAAAAAAAUMs/5fKoRSbB5Y8sC9Yu-7pitrEcWqw7qHANgCLcB/s1600/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Zebra Super Woman!" border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PpFxL46x_VQ/WBgEBDXhMpI/AAAAAAAAUMs/5fKoRSbB5Y8sC9Yu-7pitrEcWqw7qHANgCLcB/s320/08%2B-%2BAugust%2B3.jpeg" title="Zebra Super Woman!" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Zebra Super Woman!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">September</span></u></b><br />
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ui6EU_CgKcA/V_wQg0C-oXI/AAAAAAAAUH8/UUX7EG6N_aMsBChX9DQMx7_vPGkUh_-ZgCLcB/s1600/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ui6EU_CgKcA/V_wQg0C-oXI/AAAAAAAAUH8/UUX7EG6N_aMsBChX9DQMx7_vPGkUh_-ZgCLcB/s320/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B1.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Smile!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uPF3XwNPARY/WBgFAuTbEAI/AAAAAAAAUM0/uePeJ3JOSHM9Coas0f8C9OIhn2GZuotrwCLcB/s1600/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Niki mid-yawn" border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uPF3XwNPARY/WBgFAuTbEAI/AAAAAAAAUM0/uePeJ3JOSHM9Coas0f8C9OIhn2GZuotrwCLcB/s320/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B3.jpeg" title="Niki mid-yawn" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Niki mid-yawn</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E6nMnvnYknM/V_wQhO5EpTI/AAAAAAAAUIA/82mN1t5Ycn8TVjMcimr9ZaSmuwU80Z2EgCLcB/s1600/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E6nMnvnYknM/V_wQhO5EpTI/AAAAAAAAUIA/82mN1t5Ycn8TVjMcimr9ZaSmuwU80Z2EgCLcB/s320/09%2B-%2BSeptember%2B2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Smile!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">October</span></u></b><br />
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nxoLc9K55a0/WAUjIp7zH0I/AAAAAAAAUJM/Otkq05uaWnsJQ8OVZr-PsrJp_kN81lUagCLcB/s1600/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nxoLc9K55a0/WAUjIp7zH0I/AAAAAAAAUJM/Otkq05uaWnsJQ8OVZr-PsrJp_kN81lUagCLcB/s320/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B1.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My new <a href="http://www.painfreefeet.ca/index.cfm?id=16578">AFOs (Ankle-Foot Orthosis)</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k0wdEHDyaAc/WBgHpdcYHGI/AAAAAAAAUNQ/hctA9DnDppgtmXB3IH6J64OkJFG5GtN9gCEw/s1600/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="A day I wore make up! I think I'm getting better at it. :-)" border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k0wdEHDyaAc/WBgHpdcYHGI/AAAAAAAAUNQ/hctA9DnDppgtmXB3IH6J64OkJFG5GtN9gCEw/s320/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B2.jpeg" title="A day I wore make up! I think I'm getting better at it. :-)" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A day I wore make up! I think I'm getting better at it. :-)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wxXcPjWES8c/WBgGQ1zWQOI/AAAAAAAAUNE/h0wrQLzWpDUZWHTXM19rE3HlnuXDBQkNgCLcB/s1600/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Happy Halloween!" border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wxXcPjWES8c/WBgGQ1zWQOI/AAAAAAAAUNE/h0wrQLzWpDUZWHTXM19rE3HlnuXDBQkNgCLcB/s320/10%2B-%2BOctober%2B2.jpeg" title="Happy Halloween!" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happy Halloween!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">November</span></u></b><br />
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-minWZxtn9kE/WGhnkR40sII/AAAAAAAAUW4/h6SfLYb2jNwB9H2xa-zpbP2drWceZq5hACLcB/s1600/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="My parents on Thanksgiving. My mom doesn't look 59 and my dad doesn't look 62! " border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-minWZxtn9kE/WGhnkR40sII/AAAAAAAAUW4/h6SfLYb2jNwB9H2xa-zpbP2drWceZq5hACLcB/s320/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B1.jpeg" title="My parents on Thanksgiving. My mom doesn't look 59 and my dad doesn't look 62! " width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My parents on Thanksgiving. My mom doesn't look 59 and my dad doesn't look 62! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F8mWZs3jcQc/WGhnidjSRtI/AAAAAAAAUW0/C_ipFwXVvu88_hp2SCVPn1K6QHeUzBjTACLcB/s1600/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="DH and me on Thanksgiving at my parents' house" border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F8mWZs3jcQc/WGhnidjSRtI/AAAAAAAAUW0/C_ipFwXVvu88_hp2SCVPn1K6QHeUzBjTACLcB/s320/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B2.jpeg" title="DH and me on Thanksgiving at my parents' house" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DH and me on Thanksgiving at my parents' house</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-z2Tqx3S_2xo/WGhniK1DtZI/AAAAAAAAUWw/t3OLeejBIo4bZl0HgHjYyyYpXFrvzqfJACLcB/s1600/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="My parents and I on Thanksgiving at their house" border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-z2Tqx3S_2xo/WGhniK1DtZI/AAAAAAAAUWw/t3OLeejBIo4bZl0HgHjYyyYpXFrvzqfJACLcB/s320/11%2B-%2BNovember%2B3.jpeg" title="My parents and I on Thanksgiving at their house" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My parents and I on Thanksgiving at their house</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">December</span></u></b><br />
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ffGQ5gy0qDA/WGhnmFdgn5I/AAAAAAAAUW8/X72Wa5XVQywzZWxpsNUjFYb_iZyf02-BwCEw/s1600/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="DH and me" border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ffGQ5gy0qDA/WGhnmFdgn5I/AAAAAAAAUW8/X72Wa5XVQywzZWxpsNUjFYb_iZyf02-BwCEw/s320/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B1.jpeg" title="DH and me" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DH and me </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HV2LbCDxVMc/WGhnnHV9uUI/AAAAAAAAUXE/D5mvltH_HUsxoSNROVuSpOk5MLYEeuhNgCEw/s1600/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="The cats on Yule" border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HV2LbCDxVMc/WGhnnHV9uUI/AAAAAAAAUXE/D5mvltH_HUsxoSNROVuSpOk5MLYEeuhNgCEw/s320/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B2.jpeg" title="The cats on Yule" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The cats on Yule</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-74WMvRILKS4/WGhnnOF0t9I/AAAAAAAAUXA/w3acDomelg8jWR_UU6CD7iwChbQS5w7TACEw/s1600/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B3.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Me on New Year's Eve" border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-74WMvRILKS4/WGhnnOF0t9I/AAAAAAAAUXA/w3acDomelg8jWR_UU6CD7iwChbQS5w7TACEw/s320/12%2B-%2BDecember%2B3.jpeg" title="Me on New Year's Eve" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me on New Year's Eve</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-77771810717612015782016-12-19T19:23:00.000-06:002016-12-19T19:23:05.515-06:0012 Days of Christmas Blogging: Day 6<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Day 6: </b>Share a good childhood Christmas memory<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-747kCjrVMq4/WB_TbvRuMII/AAAAAAAAUQk/d1ZT7Cpf3FIc25NR5JJHGYAa8Q18DjL8gCEw/s1600/12-days-of-christmas-blogging.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="12 Days of Christmas Blogging" border="0" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-747kCjrVMq4/WB_TbvRuMII/AAAAAAAAUQk/d1ZT7Cpf3FIc25NR5JJHGYAa8Q18DjL8gCEw/s320/12-days-of-christmas-blogging.jpg" title="12 Days of Christmas Blogging" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">12 Days of Christmas Blogging</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
One of my favorite Christmas presents I ever got was my Easy Bake Oven. I know now they're considered sexist, but I would get one for a child who loved being in the kitchen regardless of their gender. I made Jesus' birthday cake (a tradition in my household growing up) with my Easy Bake Oven when I got it in 1989, at age eight. Afterwards, we went to our neighbors farm and she gave us some fresh eggs.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-85835587971496754442016-12-18T19:22:00.000-06:002016-12-18T19:22:00.161-06:0012 Days of Christmas Blogging: Day 5<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Day 5:</b> What is on your personal wish list this year<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-747kCjrVMq4/WB_TbvRuMII/AAAAAAAAUQk/d1ZT7Cpf3FIc25NR5JJHGYAa8Q18DjL8gCEw/s1600/12-days-of-christmas-blogging.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="12 Days of Christmas Blogging" border="0" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-747kCjrVMq4/WB_TbvRuMII/AAAAAAAAUQk/d1ZT7Cpf3FIc25NR5JJHGYAa8Q18DjL8gCEw/s320/12-days-of-christmas-blogging.jpg" title="12 Days of Christmas Blogging" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">12 Days of Christmas Blogging</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div>
<br />
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li>An semicolon necklace. Why the semicolon? The <a href="http://www.projectsemicolon.org/">Project Semicolon</a> represents that my life isn't over yet. I'm taking a stand against suicide and self-injury. My life will keep going, even when things seem at their darkest. I will keep going, because I have to, no matter how hard I try. I plan on getting a semicolon tattoo over some of my self-injury scars on my right thigh.</li>
<li>A <a href="https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B008GQ04S8/">pillow that's for elevating my feet</a>. This will help with my blood pooling in my legs from my <a href="https://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/p/pots.html">POTS</a> (a type of dysautonomia). Blood pooling in my legs can cause me to faint, not get enough blood to my brain, become very dizzy, slow digestion, cause nausea, make it hard to think, cause pain in my legs, etc. </li>
<li>Something handmade from DH</li>
</ol>
</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-18196072292976837632016-12-15T19:09:00.000-06:002016-12-15T19:09:00.690-06:0012 Days of Christmas Blogging: Day 2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Day 2: </b>Favorite Christmas tradition new or old<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-747kCjrVMq4/WB_TbvRuMII/AAAAAAAAUQc/t74FR1dvGLMrVAIc2LSvGTx-osT0KEqXgCEw/s1600/12-days-of-christmas-blogging.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="12 Days of Christmas Blogging" border="0" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-747kCjrVMq4/WB_TbvRuMII/AAAAAAAAUQc/t74FR1dvGLMrVAIc2LSvGTx-osT0KEqXgCEw/s320/12-days-of-christmas-blogging.jpg" title="12 Days of Christmas Blogging" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">12 Days of Christmas Blogging</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
My favorite Christmas tradition is something I've done since childhood. Each year, all the members of my family try to do something nice for someone else, even if we don't have much for ourselves. It may be a home cooked meal, grocery bags of food, an angel or ornament from one of the giving trees (they have the gender, age, and what they want on the back), or something else. This year DH and I collected items to give to the domestic violence shelter. We tried to think of things that most people wouldn't, so we got new bras, tampons, incontinence pads, incontinence disposable underwear, cooling cloths for hot flashes, etc. I really hope some people are able to use these items, and it makes someone's life easier.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-59525583552198355782016-12-14T19:06:00.000-06:002016-12-14T19:06:12.071-06:0012 Days of Christmas Blogging: Day 1<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>12 Days of Christmas Blogging</b><br />
<br />
<b>Day 1:</b> List your favorite things about Christmas<br />
<b>Day 2:</b> Favorite Christmas tradition new or old<br />
<b>Day 3:</b> Your favorite Christmas recipe/food<br />
<b>Day 4:</b> Share a Christmas story or write one of your own<br />
<b>Day 5:</b> What is on your personal wish list this year<br />
<b>Day 6: </b>Share a good childhood Christmas memory<br />
<b>Day 7:</b> A photo day, share some Christmas pictures past or present<br />
<b>Day 8:</b> Share a local Christmas tradition in your town or country<br />
<b>Day 9:</b> Who will be sitting with you for Christmas dinner?<br />
<b>Day 10:</b> Favorite Christmas movie or song<br />
<b>Day 11: </b>What was your favorite childhood Christmas present<br />
<b>Day 12:</b> What are you grateful for this Christmas?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-747kCjrVMq4/WB_TbvRuMII/AAAAAAAAUQc/YUQ9bJ4s1tYOw_VQR6M4ENjUSEEG-pRNgCLcB/s1600/12-days-of-christmas-blogging.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="12 Days of Christmas Blogging" border="0" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-747kCjrVMq4/WB_TbvRuMII/AAAAAAAAUQc/YUQ9bJ4s1tYOw_VQR6M4ENjUSEEG-pRNgCLcB/s320/12-days-of-christmas-blogging.jpg" title="12 Days of Christmas Blogging" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">12 Days of Christmas Blogging</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><u>My top 12 favorite things about Christmas:</u></b><br />
<b><u><br /></u></b>
<br />
<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li>Going looking for Christmas lights</li>
<li>Candy canes</li>
<li>Baking, even if I don't want to eat what I bake!</li>
<li>Wrapping presents</li>
<li>Buying gifts for people</li>
<li>Handmade Christmas ornaments from my childhood</li>
<li>Santa Claus!</li>
<li>Snow globes</li>
<li>Snow angels</li>
<li>Red ribbons everywhere</li>
<li>Christmas carols/Christmas music</li>
<li>Red and green <i>everywhere!</i></li>
</ol>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-23867628318871383682016-11-05T23:27:00.000-05:002016-11-05T23:27:02.009-05:0030 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 5 <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Day 5: </b>How does being chronically ill make you feel?<div>
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Being chronically ill makes me feel scared, isolated, lonely, and unsure about the future. I don't know whether I'll end up in a wheelchair someday, or succumb to my depression. The future is a huge question. Being sick is lonely. I don't really know anyone in my town, but I have lots of friends online who are EDSers, POTSies, have fibromyalgia, etc. and they are a huge support to me. Even then, I sometimes just feel so lonely. Having a question mark in the future as to what my health will be like is unsettling, to say the least.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-90394907821836878292016-11-04T17:00:00.000-05:002016-11-15T23:10:57.108-06:0030 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 4<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Day 4:</b> How have your friends and family reacted to it?<br />
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Growing up I was bullied badly because I confided in the wrong people that I was mentally ill. It was also obvious something about me was off, and my emotions and behaviors were erratic. The biggest mistake I made was confiding in someone. I always tried my best to downplay and hide my pain, though I got made fun of for smelling like Ben Gay all the time.<br />
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As an adult, people didn't take my pain seriously until I was completely disabled by it. My doctors still don't take it seriously enough. DH takes my pain, POTS, and mental health very seriously, which means a lot to me. Most of my social interaction is online, and I have found very supportive communities online that I depend on.<br />
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My parents always took my pain seriously. They finally accepted that my mental illness wasn't my fault, when they took a class offered by <a href="http://www.nami.org/">NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)</a>. Before that they tried to understand, but I didn't even understand what was going on myself. NAMI saved my life.<br />
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These days I'm not around them, and I feel much safer, plus I always know DH is there to protect me.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-33928418142719936512016-11-03T18:30:00.000-05:002016-11-04T01:48:55.196-05:0030 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 3<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Day 3:</b> How did you get a diagnosis?<div>
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Since I have multiple diagnosis, I'm going to cover only a few: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), Postural Orthstatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and Bipolar Disorder.</div>
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I have been in pain as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories are of crying and asking my dad why I hurt so much all of the time. My parents took me to doctors for years, and we kept getting the same run around. They all said that my labs were normal, so there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when I was fifteen. After that, any pain I ever complained of was automatically dismissed as being a part of fibromyalgia. My hip subluxed all the time, and I figured out how to get it back in myself. I didn't exactly know what was going on in the joint, I only knew what I had to do so I could walk again. That started around age fourteen. It wasn't until a rheumatologist commented that she'd never seen anyone so hypermobile that I even began to suspect EDS. I looked up hypermobile joints, which led me to looking up EDS. I read a lot about it, and watched many YouTube videos on it. I was pretty sure that's what I had, but my rheumatologist refused to send me to physical therapy or to even consider I might have EDS, since I can't touch my tongue to my nose. As a side note, quite a few EDSers can touch their tongue to their nose, but you don't have to be able to do so to get a diagnosis of EDS, and not all EDSers can do it. I went to another rheumatologist who said it didn't matter if I had it, as there is no cure, so he didn't think it was worth investigating. I finally convinced him to give me a referral to a geneticist. He was incredibly rude, so I didn't see that rheumy again. I then went to the geneticist, who talked down to me and was very rude. He said I had EDS or Hypermobility Syndrome, but it didn't matter which since it's uncurable. I got the notes from the appointment and throughout the report the doctor said things that never happened. He even said he spent well over an hour in the exam room with me, when it was actually only twenty minutes. Reading his notes about the appointment was strange, because it was like reading a piece of fiction someone put my name in. I then went to another rheumy, still looking for someone to take my EDS seriously. This doctor said he definitely thought I had EDS, but that he didn't feel qualified to care for such a complex patient. So, back to looking for another rheumy I went. The next one I found was in the same office of the rude doctor who sent me to an even ruder geneticist. She is the doctor I see now. She's actually a Physicians Assistant (PA) in rheumatology. I'm not happy with her, but I searched a long time for a doctor and I'm keeping her. I've been seeing her for years now. Meanwhile, I made an appointment in St. Louis with a very well known and new to the area geneticist at Children's Hospital, named Dr. W. She has done research in related areas, and EDS is one of her specialties. I had to fill out a huge stack of paperwork to send back before my appointment, which felt promising, as no other doctor had ever gone into so much depth. She was so nice! First I saw a genetic counselor, then Dr. W and the genetic counselor together, and then the genetic counselor again. She gave me the most thorough exam any doctor every had. She carefully inspected every joint, my skin, my scars, my eyes, the roof of my mouth, everything. I scored a <a href="http://ehlers-danlos.com/assessing-joint-hypermobility/">7/9 on the Beighton Score</a>. I went back to my PA rheumy armed with information from Dr. W and pamplets from the Ehlers-Danlos National Foundation (EDNF), which is now <a href="http://ehlers-danlos.com/">The Ehlers-Danlos Society</a>. I later got copies of my records from my PA rheumy, and she seemed quite annoyed that "the patient keeps giving me material on EDS." After that I stopped, though if you have a receptive doctor, I highly recommend printing off <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK1279/">this page, as it's considered the "EDS Bible" on hypermobility type</a>. (The same information on the <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK1244/">Classic type is here</a>, and <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK1494/">here on the Vascular type</a>.) These cover the basic genetics involved in EDS. I was diagnosed by Dr. W with the hypermobility type and as a spontaneous mutation, since I'm the first in my family to have it. My PA rheumy treats my EDS, and I see her once a year.</div>
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My POTS diagnosis was an ordeal as well. I first started suspecting POTS once my EDS diagnosis was confirmed and I began to show more and more symptoms of POTS. I scheduled an appointment with a cardiologist, and she scheduled an echocardiogram (an ultrasound of the heart), and the tilt table test. After the tests were completed, the technician said I was normal, so I didn't ever go back to get the results. A year later, when looking over the doctor records I'd ordered, I noticed that the cardiologist had put a note in my chart with the diagnosis of POTS. I had never gone back because the technician said everything looked normal. I shouldn't have done that, as she isn't properly trained to interpret the test, only to perform it. I went back to the cardiologist and she (and her supervisor) asked me all sorts of questions about EDS and what it was like to live with it, as they'd never met anyone with it. She told me she had no idea how to treat POTS, so her advice was "eat a heart healthy diet and call me if anything changes." It's gotten a lot worse since then, but I no longer have faith that I can find a doctor competent enough to treat me.</div>
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Since I went through puberty two things were wrong: I became extremely depressed, and my hormones seemed out of control. My mom and dad tried everything to make me "snap out of it" or "pull myself up by my bootstraps." They finally took me to therapy after three years of depression. I was diagnosed with Major Depression and given Paxil. My psychiatrist warned to "watch for manic depression," but we didn't know what manic depression even was. By age fifteen I'd had three stays in a psychiatric hospital. For years doctors couldn't decide what was going on, and my hormonal issues were passed off as being part of my mental illness. It wasn't until I was nineteen and in a severe manic episode, that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I'd been properly treated from the time it showed up at age ten maybe I wouldn't be disabled from the bipolar, but that didn't happen, and my bipolar limits my life and makes demands on me that are too disabling for me to live a normal life. Still, I knew I also had a hormonal problem. I kept going to doctors, telling them I knew it wasn't normal to sometimes go months with no period, but they kept brushing off my concerns as no big deal. It wasn't until I moved here when I met DH that I demanded to see an ob/gyn to test my hormones. I got in to see the ob/gyn I have today, and he tested my hormones and did an internal ultrasound of my ovaries. They were covered in the tiny pearl-like cysts that so often (though not always) come with PCOS. </div>
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I have had a horrible problem finding doctors that care, but I do have a caring ob/gyn and endocrinologist, and I'm happy about that. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6464095163756312008.post-88160197769715186722016-11-02T13:00:00.000-05:002016-11-04T00:52:31.385-05:0030 Day Chronic Illness Challenge: Day 2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b><a href="http://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/search/label/30%20Day%20Chronic%20Illness%20Challenge">30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge</a></b><br />
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<b>Day 2:</b> How have these illnesses affected your life?<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/search/label/30%20Day%20Chronic%20Illness%20Challenge">30 Day Chronic Illness Challenge</a></td></tr>
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This is a huge question. When it comes down to how my chronic illnesses have effected my life, it's impossible to compare the effects on one illness from the other. The effects of mental illnesses can't be separated from the effects of my physical illnesses, as both effect the whole body, including the brain.<br />
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During a normal day my mobility is greatly limited by my pain, dizziness, fatigue, and weakness. Well over half the time I use a cane to get around my house, and a small portion of the time I use a wheelchair that DH has to push. Because my wrists are weak and the ligaments are loose, I can't push myself. Taking a shower is an ordeal, so I only shower every other day. I use a shower chair, and can't take a hot shower or I'll pass out. Just standing up in the shower from my chair can be dangerous and cause me to pass out, especially if the water is warm or hot. Holding my arms above my head to shampoo my hair is painful and makes me dizzy.<br />
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In the morning sometimes it can take me two hours to finish my morning routine of washing my face, dressing, putting on my braces/splints, moisturizing my very dry skin, and taking my meds. I'm supposed to do my <a href="http://ladyoftheozarks.blogspot.com/search/label/lightbox">lightbox</a> every morning as well, though I am bad at forgetting it. Both "brain fog" and side effects from my meds make it hard to remember doing things. I makes lists of lists, and I'm serious about that. It's the only way I can remember to do things that I would otherwise forget to do.<br />
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Most mornings I can't stand up in the bathroom long enough to wear makeup even if I wanted to, so on days I wear makeup I usually put it on in the afternoon. By then the muscle stiffness and morning muscle spasms have either gotten better or gotten a lot worse, in which case I wouldn't be able to wear any makeup. I got a lighted mirror sent to me for review on a different website, I'll see if that helps me be able to do my makeup in the living room where I can be seated, instead of standing in the bathroom.<br />
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I have a hard time cooking or baking, as I can't stand long or stay in any position for very long. I can't drive because I can't hold my hands up on the wheel, or push the gas or break pedals without a lot of pain. This is depressing, as it takes away my independence and puts more stress on DH.<br />
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On days I'm depressed I can't really do much of anything. I don't even want to exist when I'm very depressed. Meanwhile, if I'm manic it seems like I'm purposely trying to destroy my life. Anxiety is always there, caused by both dysautonomia (my autonomic nervous system is messed up), suffering chronic and unrelenting pain, and mental illness.<br />
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My life is effected in every aspect by my chronic illnesses. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0