Depakote leaves me existing

Since I've had to go back on Depakote for my bipolar, trying to get pregnant had to be put on hold until the medicine can stabilize me for awhile before I go off of it and try again to get pregnant. Depakote can cause a lot of birth defects, including spina bifida, which is when there is incomplete closing of the backbone and membranes around the spinal cord. It also can cause a hole in the heart called atrial septal defect,  (an abnormality in the opening of the urethra in boys called , extra fingers ocleft palate hypospadiasr toes (polydactyly), and craniosynostosis (where one or more sutures on a baby’s skull close prematurely). From that short list you can tell how serious and dangerous it is to get pregnant while on Depakote. This is really depressing me. Depakote can also mess up your menstrual cycle, so no more peeing in a cup to find out if I'm ovulating. At first I thought I could at least keep track by checking for ovulation each month, but when I find out Depakote messes with your reproductive system that idea flew out the window. I feel so useless, like I just have to exist until I can go off of it and try for a baby again. I honestly don't feel I'm doing more that existing at even the best times, since I went on Depakote. Everywhere around me I see new life, both plant and animal life outside are growing, I have at least two pregnant friends, and I have friends with adorable children, from toddler age to elementary school age. By the time I'm off Depakote I'll be 35 years old. All women know about the magical yet dangerous age of 35, when your fertility drops drastically and your risk of many genetic diseases, including down syndrome, increases. I want so bad to go off the Depakote, but it hasn't really even started working yet, and I've been doing horribly for months. I haven't been able to kick this depression on my own, so I had no choice but to have a medication change. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I feel useless, and cannot portray the heartache I feel in a blog, and I'd deny it in person. I feel like my who life is on hold until I can try for a baby again. My tears are flowing freely now. I just can't explain this heartache. I'm constantly seeing pictures of people posting pictures of their sonograms and positive pregnancy tests. I'm so afraid that with my age and PCOS I'll never get to have a baby, and I can't even imagine how I'd feel then. I want to stress that I'm very happy for all my friends with kids and who are pregnant, but I wish I had the same happiness they get to experience. It's a horrible feeling to know that something you want so, so bad you may never get to have.