My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Nonsuicidal Self-Injury (Self-Harm) ~ Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Painful night last night & fuzzy day today

Last night was a horrible night.  I ended up in so much pain I was screaming.  Jim was begging me to not scream because he was afraid people would call the police because they would think it was a domestic disturbance.  I don't know if they do it when other people call in a domestic disturbance, but I know if you call in a domestic disturbance you and the abuser are both arrested and taken to the jail, and then things are sorted out after that.  It makes an abused partner think twice about calling the police, I'm sure.  My rant on that is another story, though.  Back to last night...  I was shaking so, so hard, it felt like I would have a seizure, but I didn't, thankfully.  Sweat was pouring off of me as the pain consumed me.  It blocked out every other feeling and emotion in my body-all I felt is excruciating pain.  My senses only picked up the angry red of the pain in my ankles.  Unfortunately I didn't pass out this time, which is a blessing when I'm in this much pain.  It isn't as if you can't feel pain when you are unconscious, but you aren't quite as bothered by it.  Jim was having seizures before and after this, so we both were doing bad.  I was so hungry, but I couldn't walk to the kitchen to pour a bowl of cereal.  Hell, I couldn't get to the bathroom for the longest time.  I had to pee so bad, but I couldn't walk on my ankles and I couldn't crawl on my bad knees.  Around one o'clock a.m., my pain levels were down enough for me to painfully make it into the kitchen to pour some cereal (and pee).

I also took a bad fall yesterday.  It felt like I was going down in slow motion, and I was positive I was going to dislocate my hip, but I didn't.  I bruised quite a few places, hit my head, fell on my tail bone, and had my right leg twisted into a bad spot.  It hurt all day to sit down.  My thighs, buttocks, and tailbone felt bruised, and my right hip was killing me.  Now I'm just achy from it, but my pain levels are high enough already that I forgot about the fall until now.  Now that I pay attention I can feel the pain and bruised feeling.  It's usually a bad idea to pay too much attention to any single body part, because they you really start feeling the full force of the pain in that body part.

Today I'm exhausted and my mind is very fuzzy.  I was able to take a shower (yay!) today; I couldn't take one yesterday from the pain.  I sat in my shower chair today and let the hot, hot water hit the back of my neck for a long, long time.  

I realize I don't have a choice on if my joints dislocate and that I've been in pain every day of my life thus far.  I can deal with that, though I can deal better as some times that others.  The most difficult part is my neck.  I can't turn my head very far to the right, and if I try it is very, very painful.  It clicks and creaks if I move it beyond the comfort zone.  I can't nod my head without pain.  I still occasionally forget and nod yes to someone, which is always followed by an "Ow, oh shit! Ow!"  (I have a potty mouth.)  I cannot live the rest of my life with this severe neck pain and daily, constant headaches in addition to all of my other health problems, high pain levels, and debilitating fatigue.  I don't mean suicide, I couldn't do that to Jim ever, besides the fact that I don't want to.  I mean this has to be fixed.  I can't take this pain like this.  It has to be fixed.  Somehow.  Someway.  It has to be.  I can't imagine living this way forever.

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