My Journey With:
Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness Seizures (Complex Partial Seizures) ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar I Rapid Cycling With Psychosis ~ Migraines ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (My OCD is currently in remission except for hoarding) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Non-suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI or SI) ~ Painful Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (Autoimmune Hypothyroidism) ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Multiple Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I have so incredibly much going through my head right now that I need to write out my thoughts to organize them. I'm in the waiting room in the middle of the night in Springfield where my mother-in-law is in the hospital. They don't know if she will make it. Jim wants to take care of his mom and brother. I care about them, but my first priority is Jim. So many crazy things are running through my head, just the stupidest things. For instance Jim wants his brother to live with us for awhile if their mom doesn't pull through. Isn't "pull through" a nasty term? I couldn't think of a better one. "Passing away" sounds bad, but "dying" is the worst word. Things are flying in and out of my head so fast. Like, if Jim's brother comes to live with us for awhile will he be offended by my books on Wicca? I know he's a strong Christian. I'm still Agnostic, I'm not ready to identify with any religion yet. Why is this going through my head? Why at a time like this am I fixating on my Wiccan books? There is so, so much to worry about and it's like my brain worked only for so long then it got hung up. Do I have to pretend to be Christian if he is there? What is my fucking deal? I feel like screaming. Too much is happening too fast. It's more than I can take but I have to be strong for Jim. I'm only a few days out of a very bad flare and I'm afraid I'll be back in it. I'm no help to anyone when I'm not able to move and sobbing. I'm trying deep breathing but then I notice my stomach rumbling. Everything is happening too much too fast. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it better. The only thing keeping me sane is knowing that prayers are going out. I'm Agnostic, not Atheist, and I do believe very much in the power of prayer no matter the deity if it is said with a sincere heart and good intent. What do I do?
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
They are gone. I repeat, the squatters are gone! Yay, this was an exciting moment for us! We were finally together again, just the four of us. We had to pay them $80 for them to leave our house. I think it is insane that we had to pay someone money so they will leave our house, but getting the three of them out was worth it!
They left Sunday (I’m writing this on the following Wednesday). I thought Monday morning I’d wake up in the best mood ever and the day would be great. Instead I woke up nervous, jumpy, and depressed, with a deep unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. In the morning DH and I had an excellent talk about religion, but toward the end of it I couldn’t concentrate anymore. I spent most of the day crying, very depressed, shaking, throwing up, and in the bathroom. Oh, and let’s add flashbacks to my list of yuckies for the day. My nerve pain was especially bad that day, too.
At the end of the day, around midnight, Jim found my medicine that I thought I took that morning. So I hadn’t had any medicine at all for at least 24 hours. It helped me to know I wasn’t losing my mind, though. I take between 31 and 33 pills a day, depending on my pain levels. Missing all those meds will drive a person insane! Then around 10 pm I started seeing holes in my vision but didn’t know if it was a seizure aura or migraine aura. I didn’t have long to wait to find out. The right side of my head exploded in pain. It was there about eight hours. I had ice on my head and put my stuffed bunny, Bonny Bunny, on top of my eyes to block out the light. Anyone who has had a true migraine understands the light sensitivity that is so acute I swear I could see light that was in the bedroom three days ago. I didn’t have my eye mask either, which made it worse. The night before I accidently dropped it in the toilet. I figured as much bleach as I’d use on it, assuming it held together, would leave a permanent bleach smell that would really hurt my eyes so I threw it away.
The next day, Tuesday, was a great low pain day for me. I slept a lot that day, too. Today I slept a lot as well. I feel so exhausted, I think coming down from the stress is exhausting in and of itself. Today has been a bad pain day for both of us. DH had to go to the ER again because he broke off a huge hunk of another tooth. His face is swelled up huge. The ER doc gave him a heavy dose of antibiotics for the abscessed tooth. My ankles aren’t being nice today and my right knee subluxated in the ER room DH was in. It hurt like hell, I don’t know if you ever get used to it or not. I don’t think I will, or at least not for quite awhile.