My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling With Psychotic Features ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Nonsuicidal Self-Injury (Self-Harm) ~ Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Daily Headache ~ High Cholesterol

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Depakote leaves me existing

Since I've had to go back on Depakote for my bipolar, trying to get pregnant had to be put on hold until the medicine can stabilize me for awhile before I go off of it and try again to get pregnant. Depakote can cause a lot of birth defects, including spina bifida, which is when there is incomplete closing of the backbone and membranes around the spinal cord. It also can cause a hole in the heart called atrial septal defect,  (an abnormality in the opening of the urethra in boys called , extra fingers ocleft palate hypospadiasr toes (polydactyly), and craniosynostosis (where one or more sutures on a baby’s skull close prematurely). From that short list you can tell how serious and dangerous it is to get pregnant while on Depakote. This is really depressing me. Depakote can also mess up your menstrual cycle, so no more peeing in a cup to find out if I'm ovulating. At first I thought I could at least keep track by checking for ovulation each month, but when I find out Depakote messes with your reproductive system that idea flew out the window. I feel so useless, like I just have to exist until I can go off of it and try for a baby again. I honestly don't feel I'm doing more that existing at even the best times, since I went on Depakote. Everywhere around me I see new life, both plant and animal life outside are growing, I have at least two pregnant friends, and I have friends with adorable children, from toddler age to elementary school age. By the time I'm off Depakote I'll be 35 years old. All women know about the magical yet dangerous age of 35, when your fertility drops drastically and your risk of many genetic diseases, including down syndrome, increases. I want so bad to go off the Depakote, but it hasn't really even started working yet, and I've been doing horribly for months. I haven't been able to kick this depression on my own, so I had no choice but to have a medication change. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I feel useless, and cannot portray the heartache I feel in a blog, and I'd deny it in person. I feel like my who life is on hold until I can try for a baby again. My tears are flowing freely now. I just can't explain this heartache. I'm constantly seeing pictures of people posting pictures of their sonograms and positive pregnancy tests. I'm so afraid that with my age and PCOS I'll never get to have a baby, and I can't even imagine how I'd feel then. I want to stress that I'm very happy for all my friends with kids and who are pregnant, but I wish I had the same happiness they get to experience. It's a horrible feeling to know that something you want so, so bad you may never get to have. 

Friday, April 22, 2016

Happy Earth Day!

Today we celebrate celebrating the Earth and how to save her before it's too late. In Greek mythology, the Titan Gaia was the personification of Earth. She created not only the Earth, but the whole universe. Her Roman equivalent was Terra. The idea of an Earth Mother stretches across the world, with Phra Mae Thorani as the Earth Mother in Southeast Asia, in the Cook Islands She's named Papa, the Norse call her Frigga, the Celtics called her  Danu, and the Egyptians called her Isis. The Earth itself has inspired many people, over thousands of years, and hundreds of cultures. Even today, we are inspired by her, and so many of us feel the need to protect her from garbage, pollution, and global warming.

It's important to do something for the Earth, whether it's recycling, planting trees, or making a compost pile. If you are able to bike to work instead of drive, do it. Or maybe you can walk to work instead. These options have the added benefit that they're a great way to stay in shape. I drink a lot of soda, so we recycle soda cans. I plan on reusing paper again, like I used to. Just make sure you put all recyclables in the appropriate place, for instance there are many types of plastic, and they can't be mixed together. To read a lot more about recycling, visit RecycleBank. If you take part in their learning exercises you'll score points to get free things, like magazine subscriptions. 

Monday, April 4, 2016

Exceedingly dizzy

Today I've been so incredibly dizzy it's amazing. During the night I tried making it to the bathroom,
and I ended up falling and hitting the edge of my altar and hitting my right eye. So now I have a big bruise and it hurts, especially with the pain and swelling under my right eye.

I've decided to stop the Depakote, because the side effects are so bad I already can't do it. I'm shaking so hard you can see my muscles jump, I'm incredibly dizzy and can't think. In fact my blog is pretty much horrible, but I'm having Jim help me by fixing it.'

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Depakote Side Effects Number Three and Four

My Depakote ER has not only caused incredible thirst, sleepiness, and fatigue, but now I have two more expected side effects. I'm now hungry all the time and my dizziness is way worse than usual. I fall nearly every time I get up from dizziness from my Depakote and dysautonomia at one the same time. While my POTS makes me dizzy most of the time, this is way more dizziness than I usual experience. I've been falling asleep all day long while sitting up. I'm so, so sleepy and dizzy! I'm so hungry all the time my stomach hurts and all day I've been thinking of food. I haven't experienced hunger of this size since my mid-twenties when I was on Depakote and Zyprexa. I have to reign in those strong urges to eat, or I'll gain a lot of weight, like I have other times while on Depakote. I did eat an ice cream cone, so no more ice cream, chocolate, cake, pie, or anything until next Saturday, and then I can eat one sweet. I need to start exercising on my recumbent bike again, there's no excuse not to, even if I'm in pain or depressed.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Dry mouth, fatigue, and New Year's Resolution update

Once I take my night medicines, I will have been on Depakote ER for three days. So far I've taken two doses, on Wednesday and Thursday. Today is Friday. Today I started experiencing my first two side effects of Depakote. The incredible thirst, more so than any other dry mouth I've ever encountered, is a huge side effect of Depakote and Lithium, at least for me. Some people even lose their teeth on Depakote or Lithium because their mouth is so dry. I constantly drink huge amounts of water. When the dry mouth gets really bad in your sleep it feels like it's so dry your throat is sticking together. Obviously it isn't really sticking together, but my tongue and teeth do get stuck together because they're so dry. I refuse to ever take Lithium again, and I will never consent to ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), but if you are in a psychiatric ward, you often have no choice on what medication or treatment you will receive, and that includes taking Lithium or getting ECT against your will. That's really scary. I plan to do a blog soon on what it's like to be in a psychiatric hospital, and it will not be a positive story. DH has a Healthcare Medical Advance Directive on my and I have one on him, so if one of us aren't able to make a healthcare decision, the other can. However, when it comes to psychiatric hospitals they actually don't have to listen to the patient, or who the person the Advance Directive put in charge. I don't think that should be legal, but it certainly is.

The second side effect I started experiencing today is sleepiness. I have been falling asleep sitting up or lying in bed sleeping most of the day. It's very annoying, but it's still not as bad as tremors, stomach pain, or the constant insatiable hunger.

Me being on Depakote means that we are having to put a hold on trying for a baby. This really depresses me a lot. I think because of my PCOS my hormones are very badly off, but I've got hope that they can fix them. I don't see a reason to go to the doctor about my hormones being off until I'm more stable and I can go off the Depakote, which can cause severe birth defects. Depakote can also mess with your menstrual cycle.

Once my moods level out, I will be better at exercising, because lately I've just been too fatigued from pain and depression to get off the couch. I want DH to blow up my exercise ball, I plan on going back to my recumbent bike. Someday I want to be strong again and jog. I know a lot of people say that isn't possible, but they're wrong. I know I can do it, and I will do it.

Oh, and it's been awhile since I've talked about my New Year's Resolution. I haven't ridden in a scooter at Wal-Mart or anywhere else, and my wheelchair is actually dusty! I've been using my cane whenever I can, and using my walker everywhere else, like in stores, no matter the size. I'm very excited. I've also lost enough weight that if I'm not constantly pulling up my pants they fall down around my knees, taking my underwear with them. I plan on looking through my drawers and closet to see if I can find some jeans a size smaller. So that's good news!


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