My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling With Psychotic Features ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Nonsuicidal Self-Injury (Self-Harm) ~ Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Daily Headache ~ High Cholesterol

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Walking upstream

I feel like I'm in water, and I'm trying to walk upstream. Every tiny movement takes planned effort, I can't even type very fast. It's hard to think. DH is making my dinner as I write. He's making Progresso tomato basil soup and grilled cheese; comfort food. I feel numb. I am having a hard time connecting to other humans mentally. I feel as if my world is shades of gray emotions, and at the center there's a black hole.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

She wasn't okay at all

Tonight, I feel fragile and alone. I want to reach out to some of my friends online, but I don't want to grow dependent on them, and I don't want to be a burden, either. I don't know many people here in town, and I have a hard time with mobility, so I can't get out often. My friends online are the only people I socialize with on an everyday basis. There's also that chance that when you let your guard down, whether online or in person, and people see the real you; the terrified insanity inside you that you constantly feel, they may never want to talk to you again. Even worse, sometimes they'll tell everyone else you know, and maybe even people you don't know. Strangely enough, if someone messaged me offering support, I would be at a loss on what to say, mostly because I don't want to burden them or scare them until they think Amy's just a freak. I miss my ex-best friend so much. I love her so much still, just as much as a sister, but as a dysfunctional sister I can't be friends with. After her last suicide attempt I contemplated for hours the best way to kill myself so I didn't have to go through another of her suicide attempts and wonder if she'd live next time. A few weeks after that, I finally realized the friendship was incredibly unhealthy, and I could no longer do anything to help her. Constant suicide threats from her made me wake up crying with nightmares about her committing suicide at least twice a week. I decided that I can't ever get to that point again; where I depend so much on someone that the loss of them would destroy who I am. I depend on DH that way, but only him. I cut ties with her awhile back, but miss her so much. I just think that the friendship was too dysfunctional, but that doesn't mean I no longer love her or feel like she's a sister. I wish I could explain everything to her, but I'm afraid that would be the last straw, and I'd be the cause of a completed suicide. It was better to not go into details with her, and leave things simple and clean, even if it makes her hate me.

The only person I know I can depend on is DH, yet he's been going through so much stress lately that I don't really have the option of spilling my heart and mind, and all the madness inside, to anyone. I'm an excellent actress, most people will have no idea I'm depressed if I don't tell them. A pdoc (psychiatrist) can't even read me when I don't want them to. I don't think I've ever met anyone who can tell when I'm depressed when I'm trying to hide it. Not even DH or my mother can tell if I'm trying to hide my depression.

I wish the terrible thoughts always running through my mind would go away. I wish I wasn't either angry, numb, or depressed all the time. I wish mental illness was something people had no problem talking about, without becoming the "other" for talking about my experiences. I wish the shame I feel would stop. I feel like I have to put on a show for the world, then quietly wipe my eyes before anyone enters the room, or softly cry myself to sleep again. I wish people noticed Amy's not doing good. I wish there was a way I could find help that didn't mean start a medicine, wait a month, see if it's made a difference,

I'm not suicidal, but I do often wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I often wish I could just cease to exist. I feel guilty because I have DH and that means I shouldn't want to cease to exist, and I hate myself for it. Shouldn't I be satisfied? I'm with the love of my life but all I can think about is ceasing to exist. What kind of horrible person am I? This bipolar beast inside of me that hungers for causing me pain, constantly rages at me, telling me I don't deserve love, or nice things, because I'm a worthless human being who only steals oxygen that could be used to give a more deserving person that air to breathe.

I feel rambling, lost, and my soul aches. I feel like I'm experiencing my childhood nightmare that I had all the way into my early 20s. I'm stuck, surrounded by fire on all sides. There's nowhere to run, nothing to do except accept the pain coming to you. You're going to burn alive, and there's no way out of the mind. Insanity envelopes me, reaching it's tendrils into me, burning, constantly burning.


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