My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling With Psychotic Features ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Nonsuicidal Self-Injury (Self-Harm) ~ Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Daily Headache ~ High Cholesterol

Friday, January 17, 2014

To my best friend, Togy: I miss you so much my heart cries

Togy Angel
Dear Togy,

You would have been twenty today.  The last time I saw you was November 5th, 2007.  Situations beyond our control parted us, and my heart has been breaking since.  Growing up is hard to do, and growing up bipolar, when both parents already have mental illness, is no picnic.  Sometimes you were the only thing that kept me alive, because I knew you'd miss me and I didn't want to break your heart.  You've saved my life so many times, Togy.  I was a clumsy, from the time I was a kid on.  When I'd hit myself in the head or fall over, I'd always open my eyes to your standing over me, staring in my face.  If I didn't open my eyes and talk to you soon enough, you would bark for help.  We had a mental and spiritual connection on many levels.  We both would get depressed at the same time, even, even if we hadn't seen each other.
My stuffed animal Togy from my sister
You put up with me dressing you up like such a good little boy.  You were so good at playing "give me your paw," it was your favorite game.  It made me angry when people yelled at you.  They actually expected me to do the same, and when I wouldn't, yelled at me, too.  On the few occasions I did crumble under their pressure, I am so sorry, please forgive me.
My sister's dog and Togy on their wedding day
When Aunt Gloria came down with cancer the first time, you sat in my lap, and licked away my tears as I sobbed.  There were so many times you licked away my tears.  You had the best little doggy kisses, and I miss your dog breath and big black wet nose so bad.  I still have the ear of your first baby doll, your elephant, and your first collar.  I'm crying so hard writing this that I keep wiping my eyes so I can make out the letters on the computer screen.  I love you, Togy, so much.  In my next lifetime, please reincarnate with me; I want to be your best friend in every lifetime.

Togy Puppy Pictures

Playing tug-of-war

Being pretty with my baby

Togy's 1st day at home - 3 months old

Togy's first hunt - a tame rabbit, and the rabbit was not harmed in any way

Togy and his Mommy

Togy puppy

Togy's first toy - I still have the elephant's ear he ripped off

Togy looking beautiful under the Tulip Tree

Togy relaxing in the sun and shade

Togy Dog Pictures

Togy taking it easy after a haircut
Togy giving pitiful eyes and smiling

Togy looking all hunter-dog

Togy getting a bath

Togy giving his Grandpa (my dad) his paw, which was his favorite game

Togy on the roof of his huge dog house

Monday, January 13, 2014

So much, so much pain

I feel like a broken record lately saying..."OMG, I hurt so bad...This pain is horrible...I can't take it anymore...I'm gonna lose my mind if this keeps up...OMG there has to be something I can do...I hurt so bad...OMG it hurts!"  I say at least half of this through tears.  Even if I don't say it out loud, it plays over and over in my head.  The thought of coming off my meds eventually, when we are ready to start trying for a baby, terrifies me.  I'm trying this Turmeric Curcumin Gold made by Nutrigold, right now.  I don't know if I've seen any difference yet, it might be too soon to tell.  I got it for free for a site I review items for.  I've tried three other versions of Turmeric Curcumin.  I think one was Spring Valley 500 mg Turmeric, and the other two were Jarrow name brand.  When I took the Spring Valley 500 mg Turmeric, I was also taking Doctor's Best 1500 mg MSM.  With first Jarrow one I tried, Jarrow Formulas 500 mg Curcumin 95,  noticed a difference, but was taking Jarrow 1000 mg MSM at the same time.  With the second combination I tried, I noticed no difference in my pain levels.  The third Jarrow kind I tried , Jarrow 500 mg Curcumin Phytosome, I noticed no difference, and I didn't take MSM with it. It was a little different kind than the first Jarrow one I tried.

I'm trying to keep my life full of things that don't revolve around EDS, fibro, PCOS, or any other illness.  I've been reading more lately, and I've been watching a lot of movies.  I've also been learning about herbs; I'd like to someday become proficient with many healing herbs.  Healing others is something I'd really like to do.  I want to work more on my Italian.  I am going to draw up plans for a fantasy garden sometime in the next few days.  I've been concentrating a lot on my spirituality.  I started writing some of the many pen pal letters I owe.  I've been spending extra time with the kitties.  Lately my hands have been hurting, but when they aren't, I like to crochet and cross-stitch.  I'm getting really tired now and still need to do our taxes.  Enjoy this picture I took today of Niki.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

I feel so stupid

Today, on Twitter, some people I follow but don't really know, were talking about how they were so glad they were not one of the "stupid people who only speak one language."  They were all from large, East Coast cities.  I feel like such a stupid country bumpkin right now.  I am learning Italian, but I'm still a beginner, I definitely would say I know Italian yet.  It's very slow going, because when I get depressed I don't study much, and my mind turns to mush.  I've been crying a lot; I've been really depressed today anyway.  I recognize that our school systems need to change and start efficiently teaching foreign languages at younger ages, rather than jokingly doing so in high school.  I took two years of Spanish in high school.  Most of what we did would be considered "arts and crafts."  We did things like make Day of the Dead puppets, hollowed out and decorated eggs, and made papier-mâché piñatas.  It was such a joke that some boys made theirs of a pair of huge boobs, and made a good grade on it.  The class was like a circus, and I was literally beaten up during class more than once, by the star (and very male) football player/wrestler.  Needless to say, the only thing I know how to say in Spanish is ¡Hola!, biblioteca (library), and garage (garage).  DH taught me lo siento (sorry) so when I bump into people in Wal-Mart who only speak Spanish I can be polite.  I'm always afraid to say it though, because I don't know if I'll sound racist by speaking Spanish to someone who may know English.  Then again, will I sound racist to say sorry in English when they may only speak Spanish?  I don't know what the right thing to do is.  Anyway, that's beside the point of this entry...

I feel pretty stupid, since I only speak one language already.  Since reading that on Twitter, I really feel stupid.  DH was fluent in thirteen languages before he had a severe head trauma that resulted in epilepsy.  Now he "only" knows five.

I don't want our child to be struggling to learn his or her second language in their thirties.  I don't want him or her to be as dumb as me, so at least half of the baby board books and children's books I've already collected are bilingual.  We've decided our child should at the least know Spanish and Arabic.  We plan on homeschooling, so teaching foreign languages will definitely be part of the curriculum.  DH doesn't know Arabic yet, but he picks up languages fast.  Of course, he picked up languages faster before his head injury.

I know eventually I'll get Italian down, and when I do, I someday want to learn German, too.  Since English is a Germanic language, and it would make my personal WWII studies easier and I'd able to study more in depth, I think German would be a good language to learn.  After all, I have the rest of my life to keep learning.  It's just that reading that conversation on Twitter really got to me.  I've been feeling depressed and stupid anyway lately, and I guess it was just the straw the broke the camel's back, in a way.  

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Welcome 2014!

Happy New Year!  Good-bye 2013, I hope we have all learned something from you and had positive experiences.  Whether each of us have or not, I hope we all do in 2014!  I give my brightest wishes for a happy, positive, low-pain year for everyone.


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