My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I Rapid Cycling With Psychotic Features ~ Migraines ~ Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Nonsuicidal Self-Injury (Self-Harm) ~ Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Specific Phobias ~ Chronic Daily Headache ~ High Cholesterol

Friday, May 27, 2016

"Storm," a poem

I wrote "Storm" last week while struggling with suicidal ideation. Suicidal ideation is when a person has suicidal thoughts and ideas, and perhaps even a detailed plan, but are not planning on acting on those feelings.


Gray skies defeat me slowly
smothering out any life left within me
Ravens in the trees stare down at me
yet my mind tells me they’re vultures waiting to feed on my carcass
Sometimes I cannot trust my mind

My womb is empty
I have baby bottles stored away for someday
but they’re gathering dust hidden away under my bed
I’m getting scared that day will never come
when a child fills my womb

I’m lost in the thunderstorm now
My eyes make out demons
eating rotting human corpses in the near distance
Is this something else my mind is lying about?
Or are these horrible images real?

I stare transfixed at one,
until she turns toward me, bloody lips grinning
My head hurts
There’s a buzzing in my ears

Suddenly I find what I’m looking for,
the edge of the plateau
I make one last desperate plea to myself
Is there anything left that makes living worth it?

I already know the answer
Head back, clothes soaked, a guttural scream
Escapes my lips, and I fly
to the desert floor

Soaring to the godless ending

Depakote: One Full Month

Image: Me
I have now been on my full dose of Depakote (divalproex sodium) for a month. Today is May the 26th, while I started it on 26th of April. I was expecting to have reached my weird sort of "normal" by now, but I haven't. While in the past week I've had some times that are only moderately depressed, I still spend time in the deep depressions, though they've even deeper than before. I'm trying hard to concentrate on progress, but since there really isn't that much progress it doesn't leave much to concentrate on. I feel like so far the only thing the Depakote has done for me is widen the expanse of my moods. My deep depressions are deeper and scarier, and way more fucked up on a bloody visceral level. I feel as if I really stand out in social situations lately, at least for the most part. I have a hard time relating to humans of all ages, and now it's even getting harder to relate to the cats. I'm broken, and I'm scared. I think everyone around me can sense how poorly I am at being social, at my incompetence in human interaction. My patience for everything is really short.

I wrote down all of the side effects I'm having from the Depakote. They are as follows:
  • confusion
  • joint pain
  • lower back or side pain
  • muscle aches and pains
  • nausea
  • nervousness
  • breast pain
  • shakiness in the legs, arms, hands, or feet
  • sleepiness or unusual drowsiness
  • unusual tiredness or weakness
  • clumsiness or unsteadiness
  • dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness when getting up from a lying or sitting position suddenly
  • dry mouth
  • fast, irregular, pounding, or racing heartbeat or pulse
  • indigestion
  • lack of coordination
  • leg cramps
  • muscle pain or stiffness
  • muscle tension or tightness
  • pains in the stomach, side, or abdomen, possibly radiating to the back
  • Acid or sour stomach
  • loss of memory
  • problems with memory
  • back pain
  • excess air or gas in the stomach or intestines
  • oily skin
  • acne
  • limbs easily "fall asleep" and are "on pins and needles"

My Niki kitty has been depressed lately, too
My Niki kitty has been depressed lately, too
The side effects involving pain are increased pain, above my normal levels, and of a particular type. I quit having unconscious eye movements, so that's good. But I'm passing out a lot, and dizzy and am presyncope more often. I'm not sure how much of the dizziness, presyncope, and fainting are from my POTS, how much are from my Depakote, and if the POTS and Depakote are interacting poorly. 

I passed out in Wal-Mart the other day, so that was quite embarrassing. I fell flat on my face and came to with a huge crowd of people around me. Hopefully there's no video of me passing out at Wal-Mart currently making it's rounds on the internet.

I'm not sure what I'll do.

I'm having a very hard time writing this, because it's difficult to think. I've been working on it for four hours, and I already had the list made.


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