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Saturday, August 11, 2018

Why I still listen to the album that was on when I was raped

Trigger Warning: Rape

I still listen to the album that was on the second time the first guy raped me. It was Sublime's self-titled album, which came out in 1996. It was his CD, and later I bought a copy from Blockbuster. My dad took me. I didn't want the edited version from Wal-Mart, so I told my dad they didn't have any copies at Wal-Mart, since the CDs at Blockbuster were unedited. I still hate songs that have words blanked out, because it messes with the whole rhythm of the song. I went into the store, carried out my newly purchased CD in a plastic white and blue Blockbuster bag. As soon as I got home I put stickers over the part that said "Parental Advisory" so when my parents made their frequent checks through my music to weed out "immoral" music, they wouldn't throw it away. I'm not sure, but the CD might still be packed up and in the garage. 
I don't know why I still listen to it. I like the music, though it never occurred to me that one song "Wrong Way" on the album is actually about child prostitution, for years I'd sung the song without thinking about what it actually meant. So that one song I don't listen to anymore, though I listen to the rest of the album. The of the album actually makes me happy in a way.

I'm sure a lot of people would never want to listen to the album that was on while they were raped ever again. However, as hard as it is to explain, I felt like that was the only good thing that happened that day. It was my respite in the face of trauma. I listen to this album and feel like I am a survivor. I have survived what happened to me, and in the face of that trauma there was a safeness, a form of shelter from the awful things happening, and that was Sublime. 

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