My Journey With:

Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (hEDS) ~ Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) ~ Focal Impaired Awareness (Complex Partial) Seizures ~ Fibromyalgia ~ Chronic Myofascial Pain (CMP) ~ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) ~ TMJ Dysfunction ~ Bipolar Disorder Type I ~ Migraines ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ~ Keratosis Pilaris (KP) ~ Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ~ Panic Disorder ~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) ~ Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) ~ Non-suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI or SI) ~ Painful Piezogenic Pedal Papules ~ Hashimoto's Thyroiditis ~ Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) ~ Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ~ Multiple Phobias ~ Chronic Headaches

Friday, October 21, 2011

Dear Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

It's been so long since I've seen you and I miss you so much.  You should see some of the stuff Sterling and Niki do, they are adorable.  I wish you could see how happy DH makes me.  I'm glad you never saw me on a cane, or worse yet, my walker.  I'm glad you never saw me in severe pain.  The Cardinals are in the World Series this year, Grandpa!  Remember the last time they were?  We got let out of class in college to watch the game.  They had TV set up in the assistant director's office and everyone was watching.  Remember when they won?  My mom and dad were visiting you and you guys watched it there while I watched it in the apartment I shared with my sister.  I was all bundled up that night and when the Cardinals won I cheered at a sports game for the first time.  I only cared because you were watching.  If Grandma was still able to think she'd be watching for Tony La Russa, her crush.  Remember the Survivor hat and T-shirt we got you?  You loved it so much and wore it every time you watched "Survivor," one of your favorite shows.  Why did you leave me Grandpa?  Didn't you know that I'd need you?  Didn't you know?  I see something happen and I still think of you.  I think, I've got to tell Grandpa this, when I suddenly remember you are gone.  Why did you leave me?  I needed you.  I still need you.  I have nightmares that I have to fight all these obstacles and you are waiting for me on the other side of these obstacles.  I defeat the last one and I run to you.  Just before I reach you, you die again.  I cry and shake you, trying to wake you up, but I already know that you aren't going to wake up.  Every time I start thinking about you being buried I have a panic attack.  I have a fear bordering on phobia of modern burial practices and I can't stand to think of them doing that to you.  Why did you let them?  Why did you die?  Didn't you love me?  I remember playing horseshoes with you, before Grandma went into the nursing home.  You were really good at it, and I got to be on your team.  You were so good at a lot of stuff.  If it wasn't for your brain and my dad's nose I'd swear I was adopted.  I'm sure the pot-bellied pig misses seeing her Grandpa, too.  Until I met DH, you were the only one who ever really believed in me.  Thank you for that.  I really wish you could meet DH, you'd like him so much.  I love you so much Grandpa.  I know that there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  I've only hit denial and depression, really.  I haven't had much anger, I'm just starting to deal with it.  I haven't hit bargaining, and certainly not acceptance.  Shouldn't I be further along than this?  It's three years now.  If I accept that you are gone you really will be.  I can't let that be true.  I can't let you be gone.

I love you, Grandpa.

Amy



My Grandpa, someone I am so fortunate to have known and been a part of my life


Grandpa and Me in 2004

Grandpa put together this ship carefully over a period of time. It required a lot of intricate work.

Grandpa in the Navy, circa early 1950s

Grandpa in the Navy, circa early 1950s

Grandpa and his Navy buddies. He stayed friends with them until his passing. Circa early 1950s.

One of the two ships Grandpa was on, the USS JOHN A BOLE.

The ship Grandpa spent most of his time on, the USS RICHARD B ANDERSON.

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry baby. I'm sure he's watching-that's how it works-love ties you together through everything-life, death, rebirth, Heaven, Hell-it doesn't matter-you will always be in his prayers and his heart, as he is in yours. Hang on, baby-you are very loved.
    Jim

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Amy. Sorry to hear abut your grandpa. My best friend also served on the Anderson.

    ReplyDelete

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